


Traumatic

by Unsolved_Macaroni



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: Accidents, Anger, Angst, Blackouts, F/M, Friendship, Gun Violence, Hurt Shane Madej, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Pain, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Scared Ryan Bergara
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:47:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 37,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24508642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unsolved_Macaroni/pseuds/Unsolved_Macaroni
Summary: When something traumatic happens to Shane and Ryan during one of their paranormal investigations, it makes them realise that what they needed had been right beside them all this time.- - -Traumatic | Buzzfeed Unsolved fanfiction 2020
Relationships: Ryan Bergara & Sara Rubin, Ryan Bergara & Shane Madej, Shane Madej/Sara Rubin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 57





	1. Hudson River State

  
  
\- - - 3th of May 2019 - 10:32 PM - - -

"Fuck!"

Ryan heard a quiet thud and a consecutive line of curses coming from the kitchen. He walked over to check on his friend. When he entered the room Shane was hopping on one foot, holding the other with his hands. A look of pain was plastered on his face.

"What happened?" Ryan asked.

"I stubbed my toe."

"That all? You're overreacting."

"What the hell man, stubbing your toe hurts like shit" Shane protested "For a man being scared of demons, you sure sound a lot like an emotionless demon yourself right now."

"I'm just messing with you." Ryan said while grabbing the car keys off the kitchen counter, he walked over to the hallway grabbing his coat and Shane's shoes.

'Here, put on your shoes, they'll protect you from table legs. We gotta go!"

Shane was just barely able to catch his shoes as Ryan threw them at him.

"And you better not curse like that tonight!"

"That sounds strangely sexual." Shane grinned, putting on his shoes.

"Well, I-I didn't mean it like that. Hurry up, the crew is waiting for us at the location."

Ryan opened the front door, the comfortable warm air entering the house. The sun was already setting, leaving the sky a pastel pink color. Shane walked past Ryan and took his cap from the coat rack.

"I meant to say please do not curse while we're surrounded by ghosts and demons tonight, it might give as bad luck.”

  
"I'll curse all I want." Shane responded smirking, closing the front door behind them.

\- - - 3th of May 2019 - 11:14 PM - - -

When they finally arrived at the location, the sky had changed from a peaceful pink color to a haunting pitch black hole. The temperature had also dropped significantly. The two friends got out of the car, and started making their way to the building they were about to spend the night. Shane put on his cap before shivering, rubbing his arms.

"I told you it was gonna be cold out tonight." Ryan said.

“Nah, I'll be fine. We’ll be inside soon."

"I still think you should have brought your coat. Do I have to remind you this building is abandoned? It does not have heating." Ryan said looking at the terrifying building they were about to enter.

Ryan stopped walking, taking what he was seeing all in. The building looked intimidating. It towered over them, reaching for the night sky. An eerie feeling hung in the air, a bad feeling. The only peaceful thing about this place were the stars dancing and flickering around the building. When Shane noticed his friend not following him anymore, he turned around. Looking at Ryan he could tell he was frightened. He went to stand next to Ryan looking at the building, trying to see what his friend was seeing. Trying to understand what made him so terrified of these types of places.

"You're not the least bit scared?" Ryan asked, not taking his eyes off the building in front of him.

"No." Shane shook his head "What have I got to fear?"

"I don't know, an uncountable amount of ghosts?" Ryan sighed "Sometimes I really wish I was more like you."

Shane turned to Ryan. "Now where would be the fun in that?" He said smiling almost mischievous.

\- - - 3th of May 2019 - 11:20 PM - - -

They met up with the crew in front of the building soon after their little talk.  
The location they were staying at tonight was the Hudson River State Hospital. The hospital was a psychiatric hospital which operated from 1871 until 2003. Some inhumane treatments were used in this hospital, which only made Ryan all the more scared. There had to be some really angry ghosts haunting that place.

Another thing that made Ryan even more scared of doing this; although they had investigated these kinds of places so many times before, this time was different. They were going in alone, without any crew. All alone, in the darkness. Joined by the ghosts, maybe even demons. And he already knew he would feel all alone in this fear, because Shane did not believe in all the things Ryan was scared about.

"Are you guys ready to go in?" Mark, their usual camera-man asked, interrupting Ryan's spiralling thoughts.

"Yeah" Shane responded excitedly looking at Ryan, who just nodded.

"Okay, so you will first be entering the administrative building. Through there you guys can enter the patient wing, where you will be staying the night." The camera-man handed them their flashlights and other equipment. "You know the way, right Ryan?"

"I do." Ryan said, smiling nervously at Mark.

"Good," Mark responded patting Ryan's shoulder. "stay safe guys!"

Ryan took a deep breath, making Shane chuckle.

"If you guys need anything, just call. We'll be in our car." Mark said pointing at their jeep, just a few metres away.

"Alright!" Shane responded, while giving Ryan an encouraging pat on the back. He could tell his friend was more than scared this time.

\- - - 3th of May 2019 - 11:33 PM - - -

With each step Ryan took towards the taunting building his legs felt heavier. He was really not looking forward to this night. And the worst part about it, Shane would not take his fears seriously. Shane almost seemed to enjoy Ryan being scared. But maybe it was for the better Shane was not like Ryan, otherwise they probably never would have entered the building. He looked over at Shane. Shane returned the look, smiling. How could this man smile walking up to this abandoned psychiatric hospital?  
Man, he had a bad feeling about this night.

When they reached the building Ryan took a deep breath before speaking.

"You ready to turn on the cameras?"

"I am." Shane said already pressing the record-button.

"Alright, here we go."

"Yeah, get ready demons!"

"Shut up, Shane." Ryan said panicked, making Shane laugh.

\- - - 3th of May 2019 - 11:37 PM - - -

"I just can't, Shane!" Ryan argued.

"Alright I'll do it." Shane said, stomping towards the front door of the building.

Somehow Ryan got himself inside the building, but closing the front door was just a little too much for him. It felt as if he was disconnecting himself from the living world and was stepping into the ghost world. _No thanks_ , Ryan thought.

Shane closed the door, instantly a cold feeling overtook Ryan.

"How are you ever going to be a big boy, Ryan?" Shane asked, standing next to his friend.

"That's your task, not mine." Ryan replied.

Shane was quiet for a moment.

"In all seriousness though, are you still good?" Shane asked, lowering the camera.

Ryan looked up at him, surprised to see Shane take his fears seriously.

"As long as I don't end up in this place alone, I'm good, yeah."

"Great! Okay Ryan, you know the way. Where do we go?" Shane asked, pointing the camera at Ryan.

"Uh, if I'm not mistaken it's this way." Ryan responded, pointing towards a long hallway.

Ryan was nervous for what was to come, they were going to enter a room where lots of 'treatments' of psychiatric patients happened. But these so called 'treatments' were not really considered as treatments anymore in this day and age, but more like torture.  
They had to cross this hallway to get to the room. After they would be done in the room they had to walk the same way back to get into the patient wing, where they would spend the night.

As they walked towards the room they cracked some jokes. Shane, as usually, yelling some offensive things at the ghosts. It eased Ryan's nerves just a little. Shane kept a good eye on Ryan. He could tell his friend was really not taking this lightly. Ryan seemed to be really scared this time. Shane had thought Ryan had gotten a bit used to visiting these places. Ryan had more courage talking to the 'ghosts', and had been okay entering rooms alone. He just did not seem as scared anymore. But this place apparently felt different to his friend. It was probably just because they were going in alone this time, without a crew. Which Shane had to admit, made him feel a little uneasy too. Not because he was afraid of ghosts, but because he was afraid something would happen to one of them, they could get hurt and no one would know. Shane tried to get the unpleasant thought out of his head, but nonetheless, it stayed right where it was.

"Remember when we saw my name written on a wall during one of our investigations?"

Shane nodded, glad Ryan said something to distract him.

"There's yours." Ryan pointed towards a wall next to a staircase. The name 'Shane' was written on it in dark red graffiti.

"You did that demons?" Shane immediately called out.

Ryan tried to shush Shane.

"Is this your welcome gift, from you to me? Why didn't you just sign it 'Love, demons', huh?" Shane had a taunting tone in his voice.

"Shane shut up!" Ryan hissed "I really do not have a good feeling about this place. So just shut up!"

"Okay, calm down." This was the first time seeing Ryan scared actually scared Shane as well. His friend seemed so serious.

They quietly walked further into the dark hallway. Ryan held his flashlight close to his face, as if it was some kind of protection. It made Shane internally laugh, Ryan really-

Suddenly a loud bang was heard what seemed like from under the building. Ryan screeched and jumped into Shane, knocking the wind out of him. Shane dropped his flashlight upon impact, glass shattering could be heard.

"What was that noise?!" Ryan panicked.

"Smooth, Ryan." Shane said when his ability to breathe returned.

"Shit, I'm sorry. But what was that noise?"

"I don't know, probably the wind making some door move." Shane said, "Help me find my flashlight."

Ryan shone his light on the floor. Shane's flashlight laid right next to Ryan's feet, surrounded by glass.

"I really hope that glass doesn't belong to the light bulb..." Ryan says.

"Me too." Shane replied while taking the flashlight from the floor. He pushed the on-button but nothing happend, the light stayed off.

"Well shit." Shane sighed.

"I'm sorry." Ryan said, guilt lacing his voice. "That sound just really frightened me."

"It's okay, we still have yours. Plus, this does make it more exciting, don't you think?"

"Only you would think that."

\- - - 4th of May 2019 - 00:04 AM - - -

By the time Ryan and Shane reached the room, Ryan's heart was pounding.

"Here it is." Ryan went to reach for the door handle before even thinking about it, leaving Shane impressed.

"Nice going Ryan." Before Shane could finish his sentence, the look on Ryan's face changed.

Ryan visibly shivered.

"You okay?" Shane asked, frowning.

Shane quickly grabbed Ryan's arm, when his friend became a bit wobbly on his feet. Holding Ryan just in time before he could fall to the ground.

"Ryan? Answer me."

Then Ryan's face changed again, only this time he started grinning. Shane immediately realised what just happened. He instantly let go and pinched the bridge of his nose, a small smile forming on his lips.

Ryan softly laughed, "Got you man! Thought I got possessed?" Ryan said in between laughs. "Now you know how it feels when you trick me."

"Damnit Ryan..." Was all Shane said, a relieved smile onto his face as he looked at Ryan. Ryan was laughing but somehow he still sounded scared. Shane had not expected Ryan to do something like this while being so terrified. Maybe he was just trying the lighten the mood, or maybe he was trying to win some extra time before having to go inside the room.

"I did not think you were possessed, I thought you were gonna pass out on me." Shane said.

"Sorry Shane, I just had to scare you." Ryan's laughter slowly died down.

Shane just shook his head, pretending to be disappointed. But truly he felt relieved Ryan was laughing.

"Alright," Ryan said, "So in this room many patients were treated in a 'not so kind' way. There must be a lot of paranormal activity in here."

"Sounds perfect, let's go in!"

Ryan gave Shane an 'are you serious' look before opening the door, this time for real.

The two friends stepped inside. The room made Ryan actually feel a little bit dizzy. Shane studied the room through the night vision lens on his camera, while Ryan looked around shining his flashlight in every corner, making sure no ghosts were present. The room was mostly empty, except for some old papers on the floor and a wooden cabinet tucked away in one of the corners of the room.

"I'll grab the spirit box." Shane said, walking towards the backpack Ryan was carrying. He opened the zipper and took the device out.

"Just place it in the middle of the room." Ryan spoke quietly, pointing where he wanted the spirit box. Shane did what Ryan said.

He looked up at Ryan. "You ready to shit your pants?"

“Just turn it on, Shane.” Ryan said rolling his eyes.

Shane turned on the spirit box, it making its signature, terrifying noise. The noise the thing made alone was able to provide Ryan a week full of nightmares.

"Are there any ghosts present?" Ryan started.

"Or some demons perhaps?" Shane added, raising one eyebrow.

Ryan just eyed him, continuing to ask questions. "Are there any Hudson River State patients here with us?"

They both stayed quiet, giving the ghosts the time to answer. Until Shane felt he had waited long enough.

"Alright 'ghosts', why won't you show yourself?"

Ryan thickly swallowed when Shane started talking.

"Or are you too much of a coward to do that? Feel free to attack me, I don't mind!" Shane said, holding his arms out wide.

"Shane, stop it!"

"He wants to" said a voice through the static of the spirit box.

Ryan gasped, covering his mouth with his hand. His eyes slowly shifted towards Shane, who had a smug look on his face.

"Hurt you." The spirit box finished.

"Alright, turn it off!" Ryan yelled panicked.

"But the ghost is communicating with us." Shane teased.

"You don't believe that." Ryan responded, taking the device and turning it off. "Did you hear what it just said? It responded with 'he wants to hurt you'. Who is 'he'? And why does 'he' want to hurt one of us?"

"It's just some kind of radio signal it is picking up, nothing to worry about." Shane responded confidently.

\- - - 4th of May 2019 - 00:46 AM - - -

"You guys see that car?" Mark said to the rest of the crew.

Devon turned towards the window, staring into the dark distance.

"Hmm" she hummed, "Don't see anything."

"Right there!" Mark said pointing, pushing his finger onto the glass.

A dark figure moved towards the mysterious car, opening the door and getting in. Suddenly seeing the dark figure made Devon jump a little. With wide eyes she looked at Mark.

"There are other people here?" Devon asked.

"We need to call Ryan and Shane!" Mark responded.

"I'm calling Ryan." Devon said, taking her phone out of her bag. she waited a few second for Ryan to pick his phone up, but after a while his voicemail started playing.

“I’ll write down the license plate.” Mark said, copying the license onto his phone notes.

"He's not picking up. I'll try calling Shane."

\- - - 4th of May 2019 - 00:39 AM - - -

Ryan was more than happy to leave that room, it gave him the creeps. Especially after what the ghosts told them through the spirit box. Ryan was ready to have this night done. Right now they were making their way through the hallway again, towards the entrance of the patient wing.

Ryan looked at Shane, Shane busy squinting his eyes peering into the small screen of the night vision camera. A guilty feeling washed over Ryan.

"Do you want me to call the crew, to get you a new flashlight?" Ryan said checking his pockets for his phone, realising he left it in the car. "Shit I forgot my phone."

"We still have my phone. And no thanks, it's okay" Shane responded.

After a moment of silence, Ryan hesitantly said: "Do you want my flashlight...?"

"I think you need the flashlight more than me. I'll be alright, really." Shane chuckled, noticing Ryan's relieve hearing Shane's answer.

Then they went quiet, the scraping sounds of their footsteps were the only sound in the building.

Ryan spoke up again after a while "Are you still cold?"

"Nah, I'm fine"

"Good, we're almost there, here's the staircase again." Ryan sighed, "Man, I'm really not excited for this night..."

"Well at least we're already in a hospital if something happens."

"This is a psychiatric hospital remember?"

"Well then that's perfect for you!"

"Shut up, Shane."

Shane yawned "I'm tired, I could actually really go for some sleep."

"Of course you could. You're gonna be asleep a second after your head hits the pillow. And me, I'm gonna be awake all night."

"Maybe one of the ghosts want to accompany you tonight." Shane joked.

"Shane, do not joke about that!"

"I think it-" suddenly Shane screamed, accompanied by wood tearing. The scream only lasted a second before a loud thud was heard and Shane went completely silent.  
Ryan's blood ran cold as he turned around, not realising what just happened.

"Shane!" Ryan whisper yelled. "Shane, where are you? This is not funny. I know I pulled a trick on you, but just disappearing on me is not cool!"  
Ryan's breath hitched as his flashlight gazed over a hole in the flooring.

"Don't tell me..." Ryan ran as fast as he could towards the hole. Realising it probably was not safe, but he did not care, Shane needed him. He fell onto his knees and looked down the hole.

"Shane!" Ryan yelled again, frantically shining his flashlight down the hole. Then he saw him. Shane lied on his back, his arms outstretched. His mouth was slightly open and his eyes closed shut. He made a fall of at least six meters.

"Shane talk to me!" Ryan yelled again. "Please..."

Ryan started doubting wether Shane was even still alive, but he quickly tried to push that thought away. He could not imagine a life without his best friend. Shane was definitely unconscious, and he was down there, all alone.

Ryan started to hyperventilate. "How do I get down there?" He asked himself between breaths. "I need to call the crew." Ryan checked his pockets with shaking hands, completely forgetting he made the conclusion only a short while ago that he forgot his phone in the car. Minutes passed, Ryan felt hopeless, he felt frozen, every once in a while yelling at Shane to answer him. He could run back to the jeep and get the crew but that would at least take thirty minutes, plus he did really not want to leave Shane all alone down there.

While Ryan was panicking he suddenly heard a pained moan from where Shane had fallen.

"Shane?" Ryan yelled desperately.

Shane slowly rolled his head from left to right. Slightly opening his eyes. The rest of his body kept completely still.

"What happened?" Shane whispered.

"I was so worried about you! W-what did you say?" Ryan yelled through the hole.

"How long was I out for?" Shane asked, a little more loudly this time.

"At least ten minutes! Are you okay? Can you move?" Ryan said.

He saw Shane clench his fists, then he started moving his entire arms. Ryan let out a sigh of relief.

"Can you sit up?" Ryan asked.

He heard Shane take a deep breath before he tried to sit up. Shane let out a pained "Ouch", immediately falling back down.

"It's so dark here." Shane said feeling faint.

"Do you need my flashlight? I could throw it down?"

"No! It'll break from the fall." Shane said loudly. Ryan was relieved to hear Shane could still raise his voice and think clearly.

"Did you hurt yourself?"

"I think I hurt my leg."

"Should I get the crew?" Ryan asked.

"No, Ryan! Please...! Please, stay with me." Ryan never heard Shane's voice sound so scared, it broke his heart.

"Okay, don't worry. I'll stay here." Ryan said, trying to calm his friend down. "Do you have your phone, is it still working?"

It was not just his leg that hurt badly, his ribs were also hurting immensely. He had the feeling one of them might be broken, but Ryan did not need to know that right now. The situation was shitty enough as it was. Shane slowly tried to sit up again, holding his waist. It took Shane everything not to scream out in pain. When Shane finally sat up successfully, he started searching his pockets for his phone.

"Shit." He whispered, realising it was not there anymore. "I must have lost it during the fall." With shaking hands Shane searched the floor around him, hoping his phone had fallen next to him.

"Fuck!" Ryan yelled.

"Calm down, Ryan. I-I see a staircase here. I'm gonna try and make my way up to you."

"Yeah I see it too, can you do that?" Ryan's voice sounded almost relieved.

"Yes, just wait for me there. Do not come down here! Wait for me at the top of the stairs."

Shane was not going to tell Ryan, but ever since he came to he heard footsteps down the dark room. The room he fell in was big, he did not see any walls, just the staircase. The footsteps worried Shane, what if someone was down here with him? No way in hell he was gonna let Ryan come down here and potentially put himself in danger. Shane hoped his brain was just making things up due to the fall, and that the footsteps were not actually there. Using all the strength Shane had, he tried to push himself onto his feet. When he stood, his right leg immediately gave out under him, making him topple over onto his knees.

"Shane." Ryan said.

"It's my leg" Shane said between shallow breaths.

"Do you think it's broken?"

"No...I don't think so. I just have to take my time."

Shane tightly closed his eyes, trying to collect the courage and energy for getting up again. He felt like giving up, the pain was enormous. Giving up was usually not a thing Shane did, so having the thought alone scared him a little. Failing to take a deep breath, Shane tried to stand up again. He slowly rose to his feet, mainly trying to put his weight on his left leg.

"Good job!" Ryan yelled.

The staircase was only a few metres away from him. He could make that, right? He carefully placed one foot in front of the other, slowly but surely making his way towards the stairs.

"You're doing good!" Ryan encouraged him from upstairs. Shane faintly grinned, appreciating his friends support.

Finally Shane reached the stairs, looking up at the steps. Climbing a stair suddenly felt like a huge task.

Ryan ran over to the top of the staircase. Doing what Shane requested, he waited at the top of it. He looked over at Shane's name written on the wall right next to the staircase, it was pretty ironic.

 _Only one stair to go, you can do this_ , Shane thought to himself. Shane's heart jumped when he again heard footsteps coming from the dark room. He ignored the sounds and used the adrenaline as a boost to get up the stairs. Every step he took felt like a victory. Luckily his willpower overpowered his pain, but he did not know how long that might last. Shane somehow made his way halfway up the stairs. He could see Ryan from here, it felt good to see his friend from so much closer. It made him feel safer.

"Hey, Ryan." Shane softly chuckled. He could not help himself, he was so relieved seeing Ryan.

Shane stopped walking to catch his breath. He felt dizzy. Never did he think that walking up the stairs would be so difficult for him. Just in time Shane noticed Ryan wanted to make his way towards his injured friend.

"No,' Shane gulped out, "s-stay there Ryan." Shane took a careful deep breath. "You don't know wether this stair case is safe to walk on."

"And you're gonna test that out for me? Shane, don't be ridiculous!" Ryan protested.

"Well I'm already hurt, and I gotta make my way up there anyway."

Shane leaned forward, his head hanging low and his hands resting on his knees. Shane carefully breathed, every breath he took felt like a knife puncturing his lungs. His ribs were really fucked...

"Sure hurt a lot more than stubbing your toe does it?"

"Will you stop about that toe.' Shane grunted holding his waist in pain. “Just, Ryan, whatever you do, do not tell Sara this happened. She does not need to know this, at least not yet.”

Shane knew it was wrong to hide something from his girlfriend, but he did not want to worry her. She would never rest easy again if they were out to film another Buzzfeed Unsolved, and Shane did not want to do that to her. If his injuries were minor she would just simply not have to know just yet. He would tell her when the season was over.

“How the hell are you going to hide that limp, she’s going to notice. Sara is not stupid, Shane!”

“I know! I know… I’ll tell her eventually.”

"Shit, Shane you really scared me," Ryan said after a few seconds of silence. He did scare him, a lot. Shane also scared himself, thankful he did not hurt himself anymore than he did. "I'm glad you're okay, this could have ended way worse…”

Shane noticed Ryan's voice trembling. He was on the verge of crying, Shane could tell. Shane slowly stood upright, trying not hurt his ribs. He wanted to comfort his friend, tell him they will be okay. Or maybe he just wanted to hear someone say out loud that they were going to be okay, even if it was just himself saying it.

"Just a few more steps." Ryan said before Shane could respond. Ryan tried to keep his emotions in control, although his head and heart were racing. Which seemed to get worse by the second. It really scared him seeing Shane like this, he could tell his friend was shaken up, and seeing Shane scared... That was just on another level of unnerving.

Just as Shane was about to lift his foot to take another step, Ryan's eyes fell upon something, or someone. His eyes widened when he realised it was indeed a person.  
Then he saw something shiny in the figure's hand.

"Watch out!" Ryan yelled out, pointing behind Shane.

Shane wanted to turn around but before he could an extremely loud sound filled the silent air. Ryan ducked.

Before Shane realised what happend the impact of something hitting him on the shoulder pushed him over. He grunted, his right hand grabbing his shoulder. His left shoulder lunged forward and fully pushed him down. While falling something hit Shane in the lower back. Shane's body hit the stairs with a loud thud, blood flew over the steps. He heard another ear piercing sound. Then Shane started rolling down the stairs again. Almost ending up on the same place he fell down the floors from.

When Shane's body finally stilled, he breathed out. He did not fully realise what just happened. Adrenaline soured through his body, numbing some of the pain. His eyes darted from left to right, his breathing quick and uneven. He could just see a figure disappearing into the darkness of the room. Shane then saw some liquid collecting under him. Wondering what it was, he brought his hand up to the puddle, amazed his arm was still working. He touched the liquid and brought his fingers up to his face. His breathing picked up even more when Shane saw his fingers were stained red. Only then he felt the pain coming from his shoulder and lower back, radiating throughout the rest of his body he realised he just had been shot. Shane groaned loudly, moving onto his back hoping the pain would subside. Making it only worse as he moved. The sickening pain caused his vision and mind to go black for a few seconds, his breathing becoming shallow. Then it returned, Shane kind of hoping it would not have. The pain was unbearable. Still his thoughts wandered to Ryan. _Please, let Ryan not be hit._


	2. Hospital

\- - - 4th of May 2019 - 01:03 AM - - -

Too scared to move for a few minutes, Ryan's mind was racing with thoughts. _What the fuck just happened? Shane got shot? I have to go down there! What if the shooter is still around? Waiting for me? I need to hurry, maybe Shane is bleeding out! Shit. Shit. Shit!_ A bullet had passed Ryan’s head only by a few centimeters, he had ducked just in time. But he was pretty sure he saw a bullet or two hit Shane, he wished it was not true.

__

Ryan heard heavy, rapid breathing. Was it his own or Shane's? He had to find out.

__

Ryan collected all the courage he had and ran down the stairs as quickly as he could, swiftly scanning the room with his flashlight. He did not see the shooter. Then his eyes fell upon Shane, laying on his back. It was one of the most scary things he had ever seen, his friend lying in his own blood. A gut wrenching feeling hit Ryan as he realised Shane had indeed been shot.

__

"Ryan." Shane weakly exhaled.

__

Ryan quickly ran over to his friend, falling onto his knees next to him. Ryan was too afraid to touch Shane. He felt like Shane would break upon contact.

__

“Shane, are you okay?" Ryan said between short breaths. "Why the fuck did that motherfucker shoot you?" Ryan hit the ground in frustration.

__

Shane whispered something, laying completely still.

__

"What did you say?”

__

"I thought you were shot." Shane whispered, lifting his hand towards Ryan.  
Taking Shane's hand, Ryan could just barely make out what his friend was saying.

__

"Don't worry about me, but we gotta get you out of here." Ryan's voice cracked, his eyes tearing up. The nerves made it difficult to talk, his jaw felt tense. Ryan looked around frantically, afraid the shooter was still down here. 

__

"Can you walk?" Ryan mentally hit himself for the stupid question.

__

Shane was thankful for Ryan taking his hand, it was nice and warm. It made him feel more alive.  
Ryan walked over to Shane's head. He had to find a safe place. Using his flashlight, Ryan quickly scanned the big room.

__

"Yes!" Ryan said, when he spotted a room with a door.

__

"C'mon Shane." Ryan said, he carefully grabbed Shane's waist. Shane screamed out in agony when Ryan tried to lift him. Resulting in Ryan immediately letting go, saying "I'm sorry" countless times.

__

"I can do it myself." Shane said, sounding a little more awake. Shane started squirming around, but could not get himself on his feet.

__

The paralysing pain in Shane's shoulder and lower back was getting worse by the second. "It hurts." Shane let out although he did not mean too.

__

"I know, buddy." Ryan grabbed Shane's waist again. "Just hold on a little longer." Ryan started dragging Shane across the floor, towards the seemingly safe room. A nauseous feeling hit Ryan in the gut when he saw Shane left behind a trail of blood. Right now, Ryan's heart felt like it was going to explode.

__

No way in hell he was letting Shane die.

__

__

\- - - 4th of May 2019 - 01:01 AM - - -

__

"I don't care, I'm going in." Devon said, shining her flashlight into the building.

__

Mark and Devon were standing just outside the hospital.

__

"There's probably nothing wrong." Mark tried. He did feel like something was wrong, he just did not want Devon to enter this building by herself.

__

"Do you not find it suspicious they are both not answering their phones?" She snapped.

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Mark dropped his shoulders, sighing.

__

"Alright, at least let me come with you." He said, clicking his flashlight on.

__

__

\- - - 4th of May 2019 - 01:15 AM - - -

__

The first thing Ryan did was close the heavy door behind them, and push some old and dusty piece of furniture in front of it. He was afraid the shooter might follow after them. Ryan placed his flashlight upwards on the piece of furniture, so it lit up the room a little.  
"Alright, I think we're safe." Ryan said, rubbing his dusty hands on his pants. He turned around towards Shane, who he had propped up against the wall opposite of the door. Shane's head hung low, his shoulders slowly moving up and down as he took shallow breaths.

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Ryan walked up to him, kneeling down.

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"Shane?" Ryan was so worried it made him feel sick.

__

Shane lifted his head, his eyes looked distant as they looked around and finally focused on Ryan. Even though Shane had been shot, he still managed to smile at Ryan. His eyes closed as his head fell backwards against the wall. Shane's hand was resting on his hip, about where one of the bullets had hit him. His hand and shirt were covered in blood. The shoulder was bloody as well, but not as much as his lower abdomen.

__

"Do you mind if I take a look?" Ryan said, his hand hovering over the hem of Shane's shirt. 

__

Shane hummed in response, not moving an inch.

__

"Shane, can you open your eyes for me?" Ryan asked. Shane opened his eyes for a second before closing them again. Ryan had to keep making sure his friend was still awake, he did not want him to faint now. 

__

Carefully Ryan took Shane's hand and placed it a little higher on Shane's body. The hem of Shane's shirt felt wet. Ryan lifted the shirt, exposing red stained skin and a painful looking wound. Shane hissed.

__

"Sorry, Shane... I'm going to have to apply pressure to the wound..." Ryan figured since the abdomen wound was bleeding the most, it had the priority. But even if he tried he could never apply pressure to both wounds and Shane was too weak to do it himself.

__

While keeping an eye on Shane, Ryan quickly rolled up the right sleeve of his coat. He tore off the sleeve of his long sleeved shirt, he made a wad of the fabric and pressed it on the wound on Shane's lower abdomen. Ryan had no idea what he was doing, but it was the only thing he could think of to do right now.

__

Studying the location of the wound Ryan hoped no organs were hit. Shane was not coughing up any blood so that was a good sign right?

__

"My stomach feels like it is on fire." Shane said, catching Ryan off guard. That remark made Ryan not feel any better.

__

The wad of fabric Ryan was holding to the wound was slowly turning bright red, as were Ryan's fingers. Shane was losing blood fast. Ryan took the wad away from the wound and turned it over to the clean side. A yelp escaped Shane's throat as Ryan applied pressure on the wound again. Shane grabbed Ryan's wrist pretty strongly for someone who was just shot twice. His trembling grip soon loosened and his arm fell next to his body while he quivered.

__

"You still think I'm overreacting?" Shane grinned faintly, before he coughed a few times.

__

Ryan felt the wad was soaking wet with blood again.

__

"Shit, we have to get you to a hospital..." Ryan said, he felt like he was losing his mind and his friend. He had to get Shane help but he did not know how. The shooter might still be out there, he had no phone and Shane could not walk. All odds were against them. Sure, Ryan could try to escape the building and get the crew. But that would mean he had to leave Shane behind with the shooter maybe nearby. Plus he would not be able to keep pressure on the wounds, Shane would definitely bleed out.

__

Ryan threw the dirty wad away, it making a disgusting splashing sound as it hit the ground. He quickly tore off the fabric of his other sleeve. Gently applying pressure on the wound again, he was thankful Shane did not respond this time.

__

"I want to lie down." Shane whispered, his voice sounding strained. "Please let me lie down.”

__

"I don't think that's a smart idea, Shane. I need you to stay awake.”

__

Shane did not respond.

__

"Do you hear me? Shane?”

__

After a few seconds Shane responded saying: "What if" Shane stopped talking to take a deep breath, "the shooter is still out there?”

__

He looked Shane in the eyes, which were barely open. Shane looking back at him. Ryan had the feeling Shane was looking but not really seeing.

__

"Try not to think about that, okay? We're safe here.”

__

Then Shane said the thing that Ryan had been afraid of to hear his friend say.

__

“Ryan, if I don’t make it-“

__

“Shut the fuck up, Shane!” Ryan frantically said, cutting off Shane. “You are going to live! And we are going to spend many more days together, and film many more videos together, and you’re going to piss me off many more times with your logic explanations, and you’re going to call me many more times in the morning to tell me about an awesome movie you watched the day before… So, don’t talk like that.”

__

Shane's phone. Suddenly Ryan’s troubled mind was reminded about the phone that was probably still in the big room Shane fell into. It was their only way out of here, but that also meant he had to stop applying pressure to the gun shot wound.

__

Before Ryan could finish his thoughts, Shane slid down onto the cold ground, falling onto his back.

__

"Shit." Ryan cursed, shaking his friend's shoulders. ”Shane!”

__

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\- - - 4th of May 2019 - 01:28 AM - - -

__

"Look at that..." Devon said, pointing towards a hole in the floor.

__

Mark made his way towards her, shining his light down the hole.

__

“Goddamn."

__

"What?" Devon asked.

__

Mark turned towards her, a look of horror in his eyes.

__

"There's a lot of blood down there..."

__

__

\- - - 4th of May 2019 - 01:21 AM - - -

__

Relieve washed over Ryan when Shane hummed. A nervous laugh escaped Ryan's throat, right after feeling like an asshole for laughing during this situation.

__

What was he gonna do? The only option left was to go get the crew, which would at least take thirty minutes. Ryan was not sure Shane still had that long, his friend was losing blood fast. The crew must have heard the shots right? Maybe they were already on their way? Ryan could only hope.

__

A hand gently grabbed Ryan's wrist, still applying pressure to Shane's wounds. It was Shane's trembling hand, that easily fitted around Ryan’s wrist. Ryan was amazed Shane was still conscious, it gave him some hope that Shane was going to make it and no organs had been punctured by the bullets.

__

Ryan smiled at Shane. Shane's hand fell to his side. He coughed violently again, his whole body trembling.

__

"You'll be fine, Ryan." Shane said through shattering teeth.

__

Shane was shivering terribly. Ryan noticed his friends nails had turned blue, and all the pink tones in Shane's skin were a pale white. Ryan quickly took off his coat and gently placed it over Shane, his friend looked so frail he felt like the small weight of the jacket could shatter him.

__

"You were right I should have brought my coat." Shane faintly smiled.

__

“It’s okay, dummy. I got you covered.” A tear escaped Ryan's eye. He pat Shane's hair, before feeling his forehead. It felt clammy.

__

After a few seconds of silence Ryan said: "The only option we have left is me going to get the crew, but that means I'm going to have to leave you alone for half an hour…"

__

Shane just barely managed to mutter a response, but it was unintelligible to Ryan.

__

"What did you say Shane?”

__

"You said you would...b-bring her home." Shane whispered, his eyes closed. "No one g-gave you the permission to leave without her. D-did you find her?”

__

Nerves ran through Ryan’s chest when he heard Shane not making any sense. Ryan tried to keep his emotions in order, he did not want to worry Shane. He would have time to freak out later.

__

Ryan took a deep breath "I'll bring her home, Shane. Don't worry about that." he responded

__

Shane whispered something in response, again too quiet for Ryan to understand.

__

"Could you say that again?" Ryan asked.

__

Shane was not really hearing anything Ryan was saying anymore. All he heard was blood souring through his ears, a faint ringing. He felt himself slip away. the burning pain was subsiding as his vision got darker, giving Shane some relieve. Stars filled his vision, it scared Shane. But the pain subsiding made the darkness so much more inviting. He wanted to say something to Ryan, but his body did not cooperate. He was done. Shane got totally engulfed into darkness, quickly losing consciousness.

__

when Ryan noticed Shane not responding at all anymore, it felt like his heart went up to his throat.  
Ryan moved a little closer, leaning over his friend.

__

"Shane, what did you say?" Ryan knew that Shane had lost consciousness, but he was not about to accept it.

__

"Wake up... Shane, wake the fuck up!" He yelled, tears escaping his eyes. He shook Shane's shoulder, slapped his cheeks, nudged his sides. But nothing woke him up. Shane was too far gone.

__

"I don't know what to do." Ryan whispered to himself, his hands now completely covered in Shane's blood. Ryan screamed out "What do I do!”

__

"Ryan, Shane?" Someone called out in the hallway. Ryan jumped up to his feet, quickly pushing away the barricade he put in front of the door. He brushed away his tears before opening the door. Two flashlight were pointed at Ryan's face.

__

"Ryan? What the hell happened? Why is there so much blood here? Where is Shane?" Mark and Devon bombarded Ryan with questions. Ryan had no time to expres how relieved he was feeling seeing Mark and Devon, Shane needed help.

__

"Please call an ambulance, Shane has been shot!" Ryan said, running back towards Shane again, to tend his wounds. "He won't stop bleeding!”

__

"They are already coming, we immediately dialed 911 when we saw the blood." Mark responded.  
"Where the hell is he?" Devon said at the same time.

__

Mark and Devon walked into the room. When they saw Shane Mark gasped, while Devon covered her mouth in shock.

__

Seeing the fright in Mark and Devon's eyes, Ryan wondered: was it too late to save Shane?

__

__

\- - - 4th of May 2019 - 02:12 AM - - -

__

"1...2...3! Lift him carefully!" Four paramedics hoisted Shane upon a backboard.

__

Ryan felt like he was watching a movie. His hands were trembling as the paramedics were trying to save his best friends life. Police officers were standing just a few meters away to protect them if the shooter would come back and to look for clue to find out who it was. Is this all a dream? Please let it be a dream.  
One of the paramedics put a cervical collar on Shane, while another tore his button up open to to apply pressure bandages and direct pressure to the wounds.

__

"I feel a weak pulse." One of them called out.

__

That was the only phrase Ryan took in. The paramedics were saying a lot of things Ryan could not understand, maybe it was because of medical terms or because he felt numb and could not focus. The only thing that was repeating in Ryan's head was the moment he bumped into Shane earlier this evening, making Shane drop his flashlight. If that had not happened Shane would be okay... If Shane was going to die tonight, he would never forgive himself. What would he have to tell Sara? How would he-

__

"Only one of you can drive with Mr. Madej, make a decision quick." One of the paramedics said, snapping Ryan out of his spiralling thoughts.

__

Ryan saw the other paramedics lift the backboard with Shane on it, they started carrying him upstairs carefully.

__

"You should go Ryan, you're his best friend." Devon said, tears in her eyes.

__

"Hand us your backpack, we'll drive your car to the hospital." Mark joined in.

__

"T-thank you." Ryan said, nodding his head towards Devon and Mark. He slipped off his backpack and handed it to them.

__

"Follow me." A paramedic called to Ryan, waving him over. "The others are bringing Shane to a cot upstairs, from there they can wheel him to the ambulance.”

__

The paramedic noticed Ryan's tired and worried eyes.

__

"Hey, he's in good hands son." the paramedic said to Ryan, squeezing his shoulder.

__

As the paramedics left the police took their place, getting ready to investigate the location. Some of them already searching other parts of the building for the shooter.

__

__

\- - - 4th of May 2019 - 02:34 AM - - -

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Ryan watched as they loaded Shane into the ambulance. The paramedics hurried to get IV's in place, Shane lost so much blood they had to replace it quickly to prevent him going into shock. One of them also applied a non-rebreather mask.

__

"You can get in now." The paramedic guided Ryan towards the ambulance by placing a hand on his back.  
Ryan pulled himself into the back of the ambulance, sitting down where the paramedic told him too.

__

"Ready to go!”

__

Devon started to sob as the backdoors of the ambulance closed. The last thing Ryan saw was Mark pulling Devon into a comforting hug.

__

Ryan looked at Shane. Shane looked pale, his clothes and body were covered in blood, his hair was a mess.

__

He looked at his own hands, covered in Shane's blood. His hands started shaking involuntarily. Ryan felt defeated.

__

The engine of the ambulance started and they drove off.

_I should have not bumped into him..._

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :)


	3. Awaiting

\- - - 4th of May 2019 - 02:46 AM - - -

Getting Shane to the hospital was one big blur for Ryan, here and there a snippet he remembered, so he knew it really happened. They were safe now... at least he was. He was not so sure if Shane was. Why did he forget his phone, why did he bump into Shane, resulting in him breaking his flashlight. If all of this did not happen Shane would be okay, probably cracking jokes, and making fun of him for being scared.  
Someone suddenly bursted through the door of the intensive care entrance.

"I need to see Shane Madej.”

It was Sara. Her cheeks were tear stained and her hair was a mess. Ryan was happy to see here, seeing her felt like things were back to normal. As if this was all one terrible, twisted nightmare.

"Sara." Ryan called out.

Sara's head turned towards Ryan, she immediately started sobbing when she saw him. Sara ran towards Ryan, jumping into his arms.

"Is he okay?" she asked "Are you okay?”

"I honestly don't know Sara."

\- - - 4th of May 2019 - 03:35 AM - - -

Ryan woke up on an uncomfortable chair in the waiting room of the intensive care, his arm resting on Sara's shoulder, who was still asleep. They must have dozed off, it had been such a long and tiring day. No doctors had gone to see them up until now, they still had no idea how Shane was doing, or where he even was.

It was quiet in the waiting room. The only sound was the buzzing sound the lights made. They were the only one's there. Gently Ryan removed his arm from Sara, trying to not Wake her up. He stood up scanning the the signs hanging from the ceiling, trying the find the way to the toilet.

After a few seconds of walking he entered the restrooms. The reflection Ryan saw in the mirror was not one he knew. His eyes looked tired and dull, his clothes were dirty and his hair was sticking in every direction he did not want it too. As he stood in front of the sink he ran his hands over his face.

Then he saw the blood on his hands, Shane's blood... Shane's blood was still covering his hands and some of his wrists. Ryan's heart seemed to stop beating when he saw it.

The handle of the sink suddenly seemed impossible to grab as his hands got shaky. He finally managed too and twisted it, the water started running.

"Come on." Ryan said through gritted teeth, desperately trying to wash the blood off his hands. The sink turned completely red. Ryan kept rubbing at his skin until the sink finally returned to its normal white color. He turned off the water and looked at himself in the mirror.

Then he broke down. Sob after sob straining his throat, it was hard to breathe. _It's my fault Shane is hurt, it should have been me! Not him! It is all-_

"Ryan?" A small voice called out from just out side the men's room. It was Sara.

"I'm coming!" Ryan called out just a little too quick. Ryan wiped his tears away and tried to collect himself before leaving. He took a deep breath and walked out the men's room.

\- - - 4th of May 2019 - 03:48 AM - - -

The doctor’s office was just a little too white. The brightness of the walls were overwhelming to Ryan after being stuck in a dark abandoned building for the night. Doctor Clemens was a tall and lanky man. Kinda like Shane…

"Ms. Rubin, Mr. Bergara." Sara and Ryan looked up at the doctor, who was sitting on the other side of the desk from them. “Mr. Madej is being operated as we speak. The bullet that entered his right hip left four fragments behind, those are being removed by our surgeons. Before I continue I want you both to know that Mr. Madej has been lucky. No vital arteries or organs were hit by the bullets. He is going to be okay.”

Sara let out a breath that sounded like she had kept in.

"But...." Doctor Clemens continued. "The revalidation process is going to be long and painful. The bullet that hit him in the right hip cracked the hip bone in half. His hip bone will have to be put together with a plate and screws. The bullet that hit him in the shoulder tore up his muscle. Large chunks of muscle are going to have to rebuild and be trained. Capillaries must reform and scar tissue will most likely form. This revalidation is going to need a lot of time and patience. Mr. Madej also broke two ribs, we can’t do anything about that. It will just have to heal on its own. We just have to keep an eye on that, so he does not get a chest infection. We’ll have him on a lot of pain medication the coming months, so he hopefully will not suffer too much psychically.”

Sara let out a defeated sigh after doctor Clemens was done listing all Shane’s injuries. Then she asked the question that had been on her mind, but she had been too afraid to ask:

“Will he ever be the same again?” She asked hesitantly.

Doctor Clemens leaned over the desk. He took a deep breath before he continued. 

“A lot of gun shot wound victims develop mental health problems after being shot. Some develop Post traumatic stress disorder. They can experience severe anxiety, depression, suffer from panic attacks, anger… Does Mr. Madej have any mental illnesses?”

“No…” Sara responded.

“Good, then we’ll just have to wait it out. If Mr. Madej starts acting strange, behave in a way that is not like him, he might have to go see a psychiatrist.”

“We’ll just have to wait it out… Alright” Sara cleared her throat before asking the doctor about the revalidation proces. Ryan had been so relieved, he thought that things would be better from here on out. Shane was going to live! But now doctor Clemens told them that Shane would probably suffer with mental health issues. Ryan could not imagine Shane having depression, panic attacks… Shane never had any of those. Now thanks to Ryan he was going to suffer the rest of his life.

“Mr. Bergara, someone can bleed to death in five to eight minutes, Mr. Madej made it because you kept pressure on his wounds. If it wasn’t for you, he would have bled out. You saved your friends life.” Ryan realised he had not said a word since they were in here. Sara grabbed Ryan’s hand and squeezed, he looked up at her. She was smiling at him. If only they knew it was his fault Shane was hurt in the first place. Ryan did not know what to say so he just smiled.

“When can we see him?” Sara asked.

\- - - 4th of May 2019 - 06:57 AM - - -

"Are you sure you don't want anything to eat?" Devon asked Sara.

Mark and Devon had met up with Sara and Ryan right after doctor Clemens had talked with them. They sat at a round table in the cafetaria of the hospital. The four friends were not allowed to see Shane yet, he was still being operated.

"Yes I'm sure... I'm just not in the mood.” Devon gave Sara a sympathetic smile.

Suddenly a family started singing and celebrating across the hall. A teenage boy hobbled out of a room on crutches, smiling proudly. The family started hugging and congratulating him. The four friends watched the celebration.

“I can’t stand not being able to see him!” Sara cried out, covering her face with her hands. Devon gently put her arm around Sara shoulders.

Ryan stood up walking towards the window of the cafetaria. He could not take much more of this waiting. The sky had a peaceful orange color, a few birds flew by.

“At least we know he will live.” Ryan heard Mark say to Sara in a soft tone.

“I know…” Sara said, wiping her tears away. When she noticed Ryan had left the table, she stood up as well and started walking towards where he stood.

She stood next to him quietly, accompanying him in looking out the window.

“Are you okay? You have not said anything since we talked with doctor Clemens.” The rising sun lit up her face in an orange light. The orange glow contrasted with the blues of the hospital.

Ryan wanted to tell Sara it had been his fault that Shane had been hurt. He should be the one in hospital, not Shane. He wanted to hear her and Shane say it was okay, that it was not his fault, then maybe he could forgive himself.

“I-“ Ryan took a deep breath. “I’m just really worried about him.”

Sara pulled him into a hug. “Me too, Ryan. Me too.”

Ryan felt disappointed in himself for not telling Sara what he actually wanted to say.

“The police is here!” Mark called out to Ryan and Sara.

\- - - 4th of May 2019 - 07:06 AM - - -

“The man that shot Mr. Madej has been arrested. He is expected to be brought before the court somewhere next week.”

“Did this man have a reason to shoot my boyfriend?” Sara snapped. Ryan was shocked by the fire in Sara’s eyes, he had never seen her like this before.

“We understand that you are angry m’am, but please try to stay calm. This man is a drug dealer, Hudson River State Hospital was apparently his usual spot to deal. The dealer was afraid that Mr. Madej had seen his face and decided to kill him to avoid being caught. Things like this happen a lot unfortunately.”

Sara just nodded.

“We wish you much strength in these difficult times, Mrs. Rubin. We’ll let you know how things go.” The officer stuck out his hand.

Sara shook his hand and then immediately turned around and walked away.

Ryan was left with the officers, he felt awkward as the police officers looked at him.

“Uh, thank you both.” Ryan said before quickly following after Sara. 

He saw her disappear behind the corner that lead towards the cafetaria.

“Sara?” Ryan went around the corner and walked into the cafetaria. There she was, sitting in front of the window, her back to the room. It was the same window Ryan had stood at this morning, when things became too much for us. Ryan slowly walked up to her. There was no one else here, only empty chairs and tables filled the large room.

“Sara, are you okay?”

She did not turn her face towards Ryan, she simply kept gazing out the window. Sara’s back was shaking, Ryan knew she was crying. Not knowing what to say, he put his hand on her shoulder.

“I hope this man realises what he did to us, to Shane…” She said after a few second passed, struggling to talk between sobs.

Ryan could not help but think he himself was the one who did all this to Shane.

“We always seem to end up at this window whenever one of us feels bad.” Ryan chuckled, frowning.

Sara grabbed his hand, dropping her head.

\- - - 4th of May 2019 - 08:23 AM - - -

Ryan awoke from his thoughts when he heard blood curling screams. He saw Sara wake up beside him, immediately sitting up straight in the waiting room chair.

“What’s going on?” She said alarmed.

The entrance doors of the intensive care slid open. A woman with a terrible looking leg wound was brought in on a cot, she was screaming in pain. Ryan thought he saw a piece of bone stick out before he could look away. Paramedics ran along side the cot, leading her to the emergency room, the woman still screaming. As the doors of the emergency room closed the screaming finally died down. Ryan released a breath he had been holding in.

He slumped back into his chair. 

“Holy shit.” Sara exhaled, slumping down beside him.

Their thoughts had left Shane for a second, fully occupied by what they had just witnessed.

“Mrs. Rubin, Mr. Bergara, you can go see Mr. Madej.” Before doctor Clemens could finish his sentence Sara was already up, Ryan following close behind.

“Follow me.” doctor Clemens, said smiling. Clemens started making his way through the hallways at a sturdy pace. Ryan and Sara had to do their best to keep up with doctor Clemens long legs.

“How did the surgery go?” Sara asked.

“It was successful, no further complications.” Doctor Clemens stopped at room number 017. He turned towards Sara and Ryan.

“Now, Mr. Madej is still unconscious. His body is still recovering from all the blood it has lost. When Mr. Madej’s body is ready, he will wake up. Which will probably be tomorrow or the day after that-“

Ryan had no idea what doctor Clemens was saying, his heart was beating too fast to focus. It started beating even faster as the doctor turned towards the door and opened it. Doctor Clemens stepped out of the way, signalling Ryan and Sara they could get in. They both stepped inside.

There he was. Shane was lying on a hospital bed in the middle of the room, surrounded by beeping machines and IV bags. He looked sickly pale.

It felt like ages ago since Ryan had seen Shane and it felt like he could finally breathe again.

“If you need anything or have anymore questions, you know where to find my office. Try to enjoy your time with him.” Doctor Clemens said, before he closed the door to the room.

Sara ran past Ryan towards Shane. She leaned over him. “Oh Shane…” She kept repeating, as she hovered her hands beside his cheeks for a second, before finally, gently placing her hands on her boyfriends cheeks. She exhaled as tears started rolling down her face.

“My poor Shane…”

Ryan gave Sara some time, staying near the door.

“You’ll feel better soon… You have to.” She whispered. Sara sat down on a chair next to the bed. Resting her head on Shane’s chest, she searched for his heartbeat. She felt complete when she heard it, when she finally felt it again. His breathing calmed her down.

"I wouldn't know what to do without you.” Sara whispered as she wiped away her tears. After a few minutes she realised Ryan was also in the room, she looked over at him. Ryan awkwardly leaning against the wall next to the door.

“Ryan. Please, come here.” 

“If you need some time alone with him, it’s perfectly fine.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” She answered, “I know he’d want you to be here.”

Ryan nodded, walking closer towards Shane and Sara. To be honest, he was just afraid seeing Shane up close. To be confronted with that his best friend got incredibly close to death, because of his faults.

“Hey buddy.” Ryan said sitting down on the chair on the other side of the bed. He studied Shane’s face for a second, Shane looked worse than he remembered. But maybe that was just because it had been so dark at Hudson River State Hospital. 

“Do you remember when Shane accidentally hugged some stranger thinking it was me?” Sara said smiling, looking at Shane’s closed eyes. “You and him were picking me up from the airport, I had just come back from Waco. He thought he saw me standing but it was just some other girl with black curly hair. Oh, he was so embarrassed! I had never seen Shane blush so hard. He thought I was gonna be mad at him for hugging that girl. He felt awkward the rest of the day, do you remember that?” Sara gently held Shane’s hand.

“I do. You guys had only been together for a few weeks. I remember him stuttering when he tried to apologise to the stranger for basically tackling her.”

Sara giggled.

“He was so happy to see you though. On the ride towards the airport he could not stop talking about you.” Ryan said looking at her.

Fresh tears started to flow down Sara’s cheeks. At least these were because of the remembrance of a happy memory and not because of misery.

“You never told me exactly what happened.”

Ryan’s heart jumped and seemed to get stuck in his throat when Sara asked the question. He had expected it, but it still caught him by surprise. Ryan readjusted himself in the plastic chair, taking a deep breath before he started to tell Sara about everything that happened yesterday night. Leaving out that he bumped into Shane causing the flashlight to break.

Sara had tears in her eyes, as she heard what really had happened.

“God, my poor Shane.” Sara whispered. She gently stroke Shane’s hair and forehead. Her head close to his. “The son of a bitch who did this to him, I swear…” She closed her eyes for a moment, to hide her emotions. Although Ryan could hear them loud and clear in her voice. 

“I’m glad he’ll be locked up soon.”

\- - - 4th of May 2019 - 10:07 PM - - -

As it got dark outside, it was time for Ryan and Sara to leave the hospital after a long day. They had sat with Shane the entire day, hoping for him to wake up. They had both rented a hotel room, going home would be too long of a drive. A drive they were both too tired for. Ryan drove them to the hotel, that was only five minutes away. The lot of the hotel was mostly empty. The hotel was pretty old and not really in an amazing state, but it was the closest to the hospital so it had to do. They stepped outside of Ryan’s car to be welcomed by the sound of a hundred crickets. Reminding him of the times Shane and him filmed unsolved episodes outside in forests.

“Well, here we are. Let’s go inside.” Sara said as she turned around and started walking away from Ryan, making her way towards the entrance of the hotel. A cold breeze ran past Ryan’s arm, making him shiver. He had to tell her.

“Sara.” He blurted out, taking a step towards her.

She turned around again, looking at him with an awaiting expression

Ryan rubbed his arm, trying to stop the goosebumps from forming.

“I- I did not tell you everything about what happened yesterday night…”

“What are you talking about?” Sara questioned.

“Before Shane fell I had bumped into him when I got scared of a sound, resulting in him dropping his flashlight. He fell into the hole because he did not have a light. If I had not bumped into him he would never have fallen in, he would have seen the hole. Shane being in the hospital, being shot, all of it is my fault. I’m so sorry Sara, I did not mean for this to happen.” He blurted out in nearly one breath. “I should be in there, not him!” Ryan pointed towards the direction the hospital was in. “I’m sorry, Shane.” Ryan said as if his friend could hear him. A tear rolled down his cheek.

“Ryan, that’s totally unreasonable. You can’t blame a stupid accident. It’s not about something you both could not control that happened, it’s about what you did to help him after that. You both never could have known what was about to happen. If what happened to Shane is anyone’s fault, it’s the dealer. He was the asshole that shot Shane. You were the one who helped him. You literally dragged him to safety, risking your own life for him.” Sara said, looking Ryan in the eyes. “And knowing Shane he was probably too busy fucking around to notice the hole anyway, even if he had a light. This is not your fault, Ryan. Think about what the doctor Clemens said.”

“Thank you, Sara.” Ryan said, starting to get his tears under control. He felt embarrassed crying in front of her, but he could not help it.

“Are you okay?” Sara asked, rubbing his arm.

“Yeah.” Ryan said, wiping his tears away. “Thank you, really.”

Sara looked at him for a second before saying “You know what, Ryan. Come with me. It would actually be nice to have some company, and I am really not looking forward to going to an empty hotel room.”“Are you sure about that?” Ryan asked.

“Yes, please. I’d really like it, I think we both can use the distraction.”

Ryan nodded, following Sara to her room.

\- - - 4th of May 2019 - 00:18 AM - - -

They were both staring up at the white empty ceiling of the hotel room, now seeming grey because of the darkness. Ryan was laying on a single bed in the corner of the room. Sara across the room on a double bed. Both were unable to sleep.

“It has been a long time we have not slept by each other sides.” Sara said.

“He’ll be back by your side before you know it.” Ryan responded, wanting to make Sara feel better. Hoping he succeeded, as she had made him feel better about the guilt he was feeling.

\- - - 4th of May 2019 - 09:31 AM - - -

Ryan had not closed an eye the entire night. His mind could not stop reminding him of Shane’s blood that had clung unto his hands. Twice he had even gone to the bathroom to check if his hands were not still covered in blood, making himself feel as if he was going insane.

Right now Sara and Ryan sat next to Shane’s bed, both exhausted. They were quiet. Not much had changed here. Shane was still unconscious, the machines around him still beeping. Some color had returned to Shane’s cheeks, it seemed like the IV bags were doing their work. 

Sara had decorated the room a little bit. Early in the morning she had left to go to a vintage shop in the neighbourhood, since she ‘could not sleep anyway’, and had bought Shane a beautiful, wooden framed butterfly. It had a metallic dark green color.

The framed butterfly now stood proudly on the bedside table beside Shane’s bed.

“I’ll buy us coffee, I think we can both use some. Do you want one?” Sara asked, standing up from her chair.

“That would be great.”

“I’ll be right back.”

Ryan was left with his own thoughts as the door closed behind Sara. He looked over at Shane, he still felt guilt inside his heart, but he tried to remember the words Sara had said to him the night before. He could only hope Shane would think the same way about it. Rubbing his tired eyes, he looked forward to drinking that coffee and hopefully feeling a little more human.

Ryan flinched when he saw something move in the corner of his eye. Ryan’s eyes widened as he realised it was Shane’s finger that had moved. _Is he waking up?_ Ryan’s eyes slowly drifted from Shane’s hand to his face. The chair Ryan sat in flew backwards as he stood up. He leaned over his friend, waiting hopefully for Shane to open his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :D


	4. Awoken

\- - - 4th of May 2019 - 09:56 AM - - -

Shane’s lips twitched, followed by his arm moving just an inch. Ryan held his breath as Shane’s eyes slowly fluttered open, squinting at the light. Shane had a dazed expression on his face. His eyes looked around the room and then landed on Ryan. A hint of recognition washed over Shane’s face when he saw his friend.

“Shane… it’s me…” Ryan said, eyes wide.

“Where am I…?” Shane whispered, his voice sounded raspy.

“You’re in the hospital.”

Shane’s eyes wandered around the room. They traveled along the white walls, the machines next to his bed and landed on the IV needle stuck in his hand.

“I don’t remember…” Shane trailed off, as he started moving around. But instantly a sharp, almost paralysing pain ran through his abdomen stopping him in his movement.

“Fuck.” He whispered, grimacing.

“You okay? I should really get a doctor.”

“How long have I been here? What happened?” Shane asked before Ryan could move.

“I- um… Do you remember us going to the Hudson River State hospital?” Ryan said, unsure how to remind Shane about what happened.

Shane looked at Ryan for a moment before his expression changed. Ryan could tell his friend suddenly remembered what had happened.

“I got shot…” Shane said matter of factly.

Ryan bit his lip and nodded. “Yeah.”

“Shit.” Shane went to cover his face with his hands, but the pain in his shoulder stopped him. A grunt escaped his throat, despite trying his best to hide his pain. “Are you okay?” Shane asked Ryan.

Ryan was taken aback by the question, he had not expected it.

“Yeah, I’m okay. How are you feeling?”

“Like shit, honestly.” Shane figured he might as well be honest about that, because his eyes probably gave away the pain he was feeling. Shane knew Ryan could tell and was worried. He could not blame his friend.

“I’m getting a doctor.” And just as Shane expected Ryan scurried towards the door. As he was about to grab the door handle, the door opened from the other side. Sara pushed it open with her elbow, a coffee in each hand. Her gaze was focused on the coffee cups, careful not to spill it as she pushed open the door further.

“Ryan, I hope-“ She started to say, but went speechless as she saw Shane’s opened eyes. Sara looked at her boyfriend for a few seconds, in dismay. The coffees dropped to the ground as she ran towards Shane. Ryan managed to jump away just in time to evade the coffee spills. 

Sara carefully pulled Shane into a hug. Although it hurt his ribs he could not let her go, he was so extremely relieved to see her. Having her in his arms again made his pain go away, even though it was just for a little while. His heart felt content.

“I’m so glad you're alright.” Her voice came out muffled against the crook of Shane’s neck. She pulled back looking into his eyes, pain he was trying to hide was written all over them making her heart ache. She gently pecked his lips, while tears fell down her cheeks.

“Are you okay?” She asked sadly, their foreheads resting against each other.

“Yeah.” Shane breathed out, on the verge of crying. “I’m so glad to see you... Is that a framed butterfly?”

Sara laughed through her tears. “Yeah, for you.” She breathed.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Mr. Madej, I’m glad to see you are awake.” Doctor Clemens’ voice interrupted their reunion. Shane and Sara had not noticed Ryan had left the room to go get the doctor. Now doctor Clemens stood at the foot of Shane’s bed, Ryan had returned to stand next to Shane’s bed. Sara stood on the left side of the bed, Ryan on the right. Shane was surrounded by his two favourite people, and he was extremely thankful for it.

Doctor Clemens put out his hand for Shane to shake. Shane shook it awkwardly, trying not to hurt his ribs.

“Clemens.”

“Thank you, doctor Clemens.”

“How are you doing, Shane? Can I call you Shane?”

“Yes, please. I- I think I’m okay.”

“Do you remember what happened to you?” Doctor Clemens asked.

“I do, yeah. No details, it is all pretty vague… But I know generally what happened.” Shane said, looking at his hands resting in his lap.

“Good. Tomorrow we’ll talk more with you about your injuries and what the following months are going to look like. Today, I just want you to rest. Your body went through a lot of trauma and the most important thing right now is just to take it easy.” Doctor Clemens walked over to a machine next to his bed. Ryan and Sara followed the doctor with their eyes, while Shane was still staring at his hands. 

Doctor Clemens pushed some buttons while he spoke. “A nurse will come to clean your bandages and check your wounds in thirty minutes, alright?”

Shane nodded.

“You were operated last night. The bullet that hit your hip left four fragments that had to be removed. It also cracked your hip bone in half, which had to be put together by plates and screws, which was done yesterday as well during the surgery. The muscle in your right shoulder is torn and two of your ribs are broken.” Doctor Clemens kept talking as he checked the IV bags next to Shane’s bed, listing Shane’s injuries as if they were the ingredients to a cake recipe.

“You were extremely lucky your injuries weren’t any worse. But the revalidation process is going to be long and painful, I want to warn you about that. Shane, you have to tell us if you experience uncomfortable pains, okay?” Doctor Clemens retuned to the foot of Shane’s bed. “You must be tired, try to sleep and move as less as possible. Do you have any questions?” 

“N-no.” Shane stuttered, overwhelmed by everything that doctor Clemens had just said. He had only just woken up, from being unconscious for a day. Everything felt overwhelming, even breathing. He could not imagine how people that were in a coma for a few weeks felt.

“Okay, if any questions do come to mind you can always ask your nurse or ask me later.” Doctor Clemens started making his way towards the door.

“And don’t worry about the coffee, I’ll have someone come and clean that up.” He said as he stepped over the puddle, leaving the room and the three friends alone.

“He’s kind of an ass.” Shane said quietly, not sure how to feel.

Sara chuckled. “Well yeah, but he is taking care of you.” She replied.

\- - - 4th of May 2019 - 10:38 AM - - -

“Do you mind them being here for this?” Nurse Maggie asked. 

Shane shook his head no, he was too tired to care anyway. Ryan and Sara had moved from their chairs next to Shane’s bed to the coffee table across the room. He had slept a little while they waited for the nurse to come clean his bandages. Sara had held Shane’s hand when he had murmured something in his sleep, a frown on his face. It worried her.

“If it starts hurting too much you have to tell me, we’ll take a break if it does okay?”

Shane just nodded again. Tiredness tugging at him. He really just wanted to go back to sleep, to not have to worry about the pain.

“You’re gonna have to sit up for me first, Shane.” She took Shane’s hand and supported his back with the other.

“Take a deep breath first…” She breathed in together with him. “Breath out…”

“And try to get up.” Nurse Maggie said, helping Shane sit up. He hissed as a numbing pain tore through his ribcage. It died down as he successfully sat up.

“Good job.” Even though nurse Maggie was being nice, she irritated him. “Can you stay like this for now?” She asked Shane.

Shane did not feel like answering. He just simply kept sitting up, letting her unbutton his hospital gown at the back.

“You have to get up and moving as soon as possible. We’re going to try walking tomorrow, okay?”

Shane looked at Sara, she smiled sympathetically at him. He was not having it though. Shane did not know why, but he just felt so irritated by everything at the moment. Everything felt overwhelming, unfair and like so much work. Even though he had only been awake for thirty minutes, how was he going to survive months of this? He just blamed the pain and being overtired for feeling like this.

“How are you feeling?”

“Fine.” Shane responded bluntly.

“Seriously, Shane. Are you feeling any uneasiness or pain at the moment?”

Even though nurse Maggie was careful as she took off the bandages on his shoulder, the tugging on the fresh wounds was still enough to make Shane feel sick to his stomach. A nauseous feeling suddenly erupted in his throat, catching him by surprise. He had never felt this sick in his life.

Nurse Maggie seemed to notice the widening of Shane’s eyes as she stopped removing the bandages and put everything she was holding down.

“I think I’m gonna be sick.” Shane said, looking pale. He held his balled fist in front of his mouth, while nurse Maggie was already grabbing a bucket for him. She handed it to Shane as Sara rushed to his side.

“Is this normal?” Sara asked a little panicked.

“Yes, don’t worry. The pain just got too overwhelming for him.”

“Then should you even be doing this right now? Let alone practise walking tomorrow?” Sara said, sounding afraid. She gently rubbed Shane’s back. Who hung over the bucket, desperately clinging to it.

“Really, ms. Rubin, don’t worry. We’re keeping a close eye on him.”

“I can hear you guys.” Shane said, his voice sounded muffled as he talked into the bucket. A second later he gagged, followed by finally throwing up. Not much came out. Shane spit into the bucket when he finished puking. He fell back into the pillow of his bed, closing his eyes. Beads of sweat rested on his forehead.

As Sara was asking nurse Maggie about what just happened, Shane felt too worn out to listen. He slightly opened his eyes, to see a shaken up Ryan stand near the coffee table. A faint grin appeared on Shane’s face.

“What are you laughing at?” Ryan asked stepping closer to Shane’s bed.

“Your beady little eyes are showing.”

“Well, I’m worried about you, buddy.” Sara and nurse Maggie were still busy talking. 

Shane looked at Ryan as he wanted to say something to him, but was silenced by the expression on Ryan’s face. The mixture of worry and slight panic took Shane by surprise and made him feel uneasy.

“Are you ready to continue?” Nurse Maggie asked Shane, shifting his attention towards her. She was already unwrapping some bandages as she looked at him awaiting an answer. 

Shane just nodded again. They did the whole proces of sitting up again.

“If you need the bucket, it’s right here.”

Shane felt humiliated, he hated having to be taken care of like this.

\- - - 5th of May 2019 - 09:22 AM - - -

“Who shot me?” Shane was lying in Sara’s arms as he talked. His eyes were shut tight, a small frown present on his face. His entire body was hurting pretty bad. His bandages were changed by nurse Maggie four times a day, those appointments were really taking a toll on him. He was so tired but could not sleep because of the pain and because he felt so alone at night in the big hospital room without Sara beside him. The gunshot wounds were burning, but not abnormally nurse Maggie had reassured him. It was the next day, and Shane was supposed to walk today for the first time since the surgery. Last night had been awful, not being able to fall asleep. Shane never had trouble sleeping, after one night of not being able to he already hated it. He had just felt so alone and that feeling scared him. Shane had not felt alone since he had met Ryan and Sara.

Sara had thought Shane was sleeping, his sudden question taking her by surprise. Shane just wanted a distraction from the pain. Sara looked at Ryan before answering.

“A drug dealer shot you… He-he did not want to be caught so to play it safe he shot you…”

“Will-“ Shane grimaced as a sharp pain whirled through his hip and down his leg. “Will he be locked up?”

“We hope so, he has to come before the judge probably somewhere this week.” Ryan answered.

“Ryan.” Shane exhaled smiling, as if he had forgotten his best friend was in the room.

“Yes?” Ryan asked, curious what Shane had to say.

Shane took a deep breath and opened his eyes. Making eye contact with his friend he said “I’m so glad you’re here.”

A shy smile tugged on Ryan’s lips. “I’m glad you’re going to be okay.”

Sara ran a hand through Shane’s tangled hair. Shane’s breathing became heavier as it seemed he had fallen asleep. The beard on Shane’s face was getting a little longer. Sara liked the look, she had to admit. Sara was happy Shane had finally fallen asleep, she hated seeing him in pain.

Ryan looked at the couple. Sara was sitting next to Shane on his hospital bed, he rested against her. Ryan was so happy Shane had found someone that completed him as much as Sara did, they were perfect for each other. And this incident proved that. She had been so worried about him, but strong for him at the same time.

“Good day, Sara and Ryan.” Nurse Maggie popped her head into the room. “I see he’s finally sleeping. How is he feeling?” She asked.

“He’s having a lot of pain.” Ryan answered.

“What kind of pains and where?” Nurse Maggie asked, stepping into the room.

“I don’t know, he did not tell me he was having pain, I could just tell.”

“We will give him some more pain medication.” Nurse Maggie smiled.

“Thank you!” Sara said, gently stroking Shane’s hair.

“Nurse Maggie, is it normal that he’s experiencing so much pain?” Ryan asked politely.

“Please, just call me Maggie. And yes, Shane has numerous injuries that are not necessarily life threatening but are really painful, even with medication. Especially the first days. If his pain does not subside within a week, we’re going to check for wound and chest infections.”

Ryan nodded, feeling a little more at ease.

Maggie placed her hands on her hips and said “I was actually planning on getting him out of bed right now, but because he’s sleeping I will come back later today.”

\- - - 5th of May 2019 - 01:07 PM - - -

Sara had brought Shane’s clothes to the hospital, since he was going to walk around a little every now and then, he wanted to wear his own clothes and not the hospital gown. The gown made him feel like ‘an old man with a hip replacement’ and he ‘did not like it’. Even though Shane almost had needed a hip replacement, did not mean that he wanted to look the part. He was wearing a nice dark green button up and his favourite jeans, it made him feel normal, like nothing ever happened to him. Maybe that was the real reason he wanted to wear his own clothes.

And as if the hospital gown was not terrible enough, the walker he had to practise walking with was. Shane sat on the side of the bed, his legs hanging over the edge. As Sara finished tying the knots on Shane’s shoes nurse Maggie placed the walker next to Shane. Shane looked up from Sara and at the walker, frowning at the thing.

“We’re going to practise walking with this thing, a walker.” Maggie said, placing her hand on the walker.

“Never thought I would need one of these before turning 70…” Shane said, looking at Ryan who was standing next to Maggie.

“You’d be surprised how many people your age have hip problems.” Maggie sat down next to Shane on the bed. “Now, it’s important when standing up from a chair or bed to extend your operated leg out in front of you.” She extended her right leg, signalling for Shane to do the same.

He slowly extended his leg, careful not to hurt himself. Shane bit his lip, as a stinging pain erupted in his hip but soon died down again.

“You okay?” Maggie asked.

“It hurts a little.”

“That’s okay, we’ll take things slow.” She reassured him.“Ryan, can you help us? I want you to walk on the other side of Shane, help him when he gets off balance.”

Ryan walked over to the right side of Shane, smiling at his friend.

“Thank you.” Maggie said. “I have to warn you though, Shane; you could feel dizzy standing up again for the first time in a while. But it’s nothing to worry about. As you keep practising, your body wil get used to the movement again and the discomforts will slowly lessen during the coming weeks. Just warn me when you feel light headed.” She stood up.

“Are you ready to stand up?” Maggie said, clapping her hands together. Shane admired her enthusiasm, he was not so sure about this at all though. He felt eager to be able to walk around again, live normally. But he was not excited about the pain he was going to have to endure.

Shane took a deep breath, his broken ribs stopping him in fully doing so. He focused, slowly stood up and was instantly met with a stinging feeling in his hip.It felt as if someone was scratching his hipbone with a knife, tearing at the muscles and flesh around it. Tears welled up in Shane’s eyes. Desperately he tried to blink them away. It felt terrible, but he was standing.

“Hurts like shit.” Shane blurted out without really meaning too.

“Be more specific.” Maggie said, making Shane laugh internally.

“It’s like a stinging pain in my hip.” Shane answered while trying to readjust his stance, hoping to get away from the discomfort.

She nodded. “Try to take a step forward.”

Shane grabbed the walker reluctantly, but he knew he needed it. He took his first step in two days. It felt weird. His muscles ached, he was feeling all sorts of pains he never felt before. It was as if he was in someone else’s body, not his own.

“How does that feel?” Maggie asked, as she and Ryan slowly walked next to Shane.

“Feels alright.” Shane took another few careful steps. “You guys are like my bodyguards.” He said after a while.

“You do not need a bodyguard, you’re like ten feet tall.” Ryan said, making Shane chuckle. Ryan smiled upon hearing his friend laugh for the first time since the accident, even if it just was a little chuckle. And of course it had to be about a stupid joke about Shane’s height. But that did not matter to Ryan, he missed Shane’s laugh.

“I feel dizzy.” Shane suddenly said, the room started spinning, his breathing quickened. As Shane started swaying a little, Ryan quickly placed a hand on Shane’s back, to help keep him steady. Sara stood up from her chair, ready to help when needed.

“Okay, let’s sit back down.” Maggie said guiding Shane back towards his bed with Ryan, their hands supporting his shoulder and back. 

Shane sat down with a groan on the bed. He exhaled, happy to sit again. He just wanted to tell everyone he was alright when all of a sudden he saw stars. His hands started tingling, his shoulders felt tense as Shane blacked out.

“I might pass o-“ Shane tried to say something, but a ringing sound in his ear suddenly took over his hearing.

The next few seconds were unclear to Shane, he thought he heard Ryan saying his name but he was not sure. Slowly his vision and hearing came back. The tingling sensation in his hands thankfully stopped, it freaked him out. He was still sitting upright somehow. Ryan, Sara and Maggie stood before him.

“Shane, can you hear me?” He heard Maggie say, she waved her hand in front of his face.

Shane made eye contact with her, which told her he was back.

“I’m okay.” Shane said, rubbing his face.

“Are you sure?” Ryan asked.

Shane nodded, dropping his hands to his lap.

“I think I’m done for today though.” He softly laughed.

“I think so too.” Maggie said. “You did good though. You can rest the remaining of the day. We will continue tomorrow.”

\- - - 5th of May 2019 - 07:36 PM - - -

Ryan watched as Shane’s chest slowly rose and fell time after time. His friend was sleeping soundly. Shane was tired, tired from his injuries and from tying to walk today. Bags were forming under his eyes. The lack of sleep was getting to him. _We are going to have to do something about that,_ Ryan thought. Shane had not been able to sleep at night, he had only been taking naps whenever Ryan or Sara were next to him.

Shane was firmly holding Ryan’s hand, just like the night he got shot. He had reached for Ryan’s hand as he was falling asleep. Ryan could not deny it and so he held Shane’s hand. He’d do anything if it meant making Shane feel more comfortable.

Shane’s peaceful sleep got interrupted when a loud rumble of thunder woke him up. His eyes shot open as he sat up in fear. Instant regret washed over Shane as his body punished him for sitting up so fast. A wave of pain ran from his head to his toes, making him fall back into the bed. Shane held his breath, waiting for the pain to subside.

“Shane.” Ryan called out, trying to get his friend’s attention.

When most pain had left his body he finally breathed again.

“You’re never this jumpy, you okay?”

“Where is Sara?” Shane asked, his eyes shut.

“She’s talking to Clemens.”

Shane laid on the bed with his eyes closed, but Ryan could tell he was not asleep. Wondering if now was the right time to talk to Shane about his guilt, he rubbed his hands on his pants.

“Shane-“ He went to say but instantly stopped himself. He waited in suspense, expecting a response from Shane. _I should not make this about me. Shane needs to focus on getting better, not on my petty feelings._ Ryan was about to stand up when Shane spoke up.

“You wanted to ask something?” His voice croaked.

Ryan slowly sat back down, stuttering a little as he said. “Uhm, I was wondering- Uhm, what do you remember of what happened before you fell?”

Shane softly sighed.

“I remember…” Ryan could see Shane thinking. “I remember the spirit box session we did and you freaking out because of something it said- well, you thought it said.” Ryan breathed out a chuckle in response.

“Everything after that is a blur. I do remember waking up on the floor after I fell down, but I don’t really want to think about that right now if you don’t mind…” Shane finished.

“That’s okay. Do you remember me bumping into you?”

“Bumping into me…?”

“Yeah.., I got scared of some noise and bumped into you. You dropped your flashlight.” Ryan said shyly.

“Oh yes, I remember that as well.” 

Ryan took a deep breath before continuing. “I’ve been thinking about that. If I had not-“Shane sat up a little, propping his pillow behind his back. “Are you even allowed to sit like that?” Ryan asked.

“Don’t worry.”

“So, if I had not bumped into you resulting in you dropping your flashlight and it breaking, you would have never been here. It’s my fault, you did not see where you were walking and fell. I should be in that bed, not you.” Ryan said in one breath. He was too afraid to look at Shane, so he looked at his hands. What if Shane had been thinking the same ever since he had woken up in the hospital? And had been too afraid to bring it up, just as Ryan had been. Finally Ryan found the courage to look his friends in the eye, after a silence of a few seconds. The expression on Shane’s face was pure shock, he looked dumbfounded.

“Ryan,” Shane sounded as if he was scolding his friend. “do you really think I blame you for any of this? I thought you knew me better than that… I should have just looked where I walked. And let’s be honest, something like this was going to happen to one of us sooner or later. It just happened to be me.”

"I would trade places with you in a heartbeat.” Ryan said, fidgeting with his hands.

“I know you would, cause I would want to do the same if you had gotten hurt.”

“Thanks, Shane.” Ryan breathed. “I love you, buddy.”

“I love you too."

\- - - 21st of May 2019 - 11:45 AM - - -

The past two weeks had been better than expected. Because of Shane having sleeping issues, Sara had been allowed to stay with Shane during the nights. She would sleep next to him, he did not have any sleepless nights ever since. Shane did not really talk much about why he was having trouble sleeping alone. He build up the walking, had his bandaged changed, everything went as plannend. Shane did suffer some pain and was overall just really tired the first week, but his condition never worsened. It only got better. And Ryan was so extremely happy for his friend about that. Ryan was also relieved that Shane had not shown any weird behaviour, he was happy Shane did not seem to have any mental scars.

The drug dealer who had shot Shane had also been granted ten years in prison for attempted murder. It all felt very weird for Shane. He knew this man had attempted to kill him, but he had never actually seen or met the man.

They would get out of this better than expected. Shane would be alright.

Sara and Ryan would come in and out of the hospital keeping Shane company, sometimes together or sometimes in turns, so the other person could go to work. Mark and Devon also came by every once in a while, to make sure Shane was never lonely. They all figured Shane could use every support and distraction they could give him to get him through these weird and difficult times.

Today Ryan was visiting Shane alone. Shane was still tired a lot, but he did have way more energy.

They had just finished eating their lunch when Ryan started talking.

“You know, I listened those messages the spirit box said. Do you remember those Shane?”

Shane looked at Ryan from the hospital bed he was in, frowning a little. Ryan did not really wait for Shane to answer, he kept on talking.

“It really did sound like it said ‘He wants to hurt you’. Don’t you thinks that’s weird? As if the ghosts wanted to warn us or something.”

Shane slowly grew frustrated by Ryan’s ghost stories. He was not in the mood for this. He usually had the patience to listen to Ryan go on and on about things like this, even speculate along, but not today.

“And the weird things you said when you were shot. Maybe that had to do something with the ghosts we heard through the spirit box.”

Shane could not believe what his friend was saying.

“I just can’t stop thinking about the figure we saw, maybe a demon poss-“ 

The word ‘demon’ threw Shane over the edge, all self control gone. Shane snapped.

"Ghosts can't shoot, Ryan! You really think that some ghosts shot me? With their cute little ghost guns? Fuck no Ryan! Open your eyes." Shane's hands were shaking by now. "I was shot! By some fucking drug dealer, who did not want to me to know! And those weird things I said? That was because of the shock, not some kind of spirit whispering in my ear!" Shane screamed, instantly regretting it as it felt as if someone was punching him in the ribs.

“Fuck.” He whispered, holding his waist in pain.

Ryan was shocked to say the least, he did not mean to take Shane's injury not serious. Not at all. What was he thinking…

"I want you to take this serious. Not make up ghost stories about how I almost died." Shane's voice was trembling.

"I know, Shane... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way.”

Ryan slid forward, now sitting on the edge of his chair. He gently placed his hand on Shane's forearm. As soon as they touched Shane instantly pulled back.

"I want to be alone." He said, a distant tone in his voice, as he stared out the window.  
Ryan sat back, looking at the back of Shane's head.

"Okay." He whispered, his eyes turning to the ground as the word left his mouth.

Tears stung in Shane's eyes, when he heard Ryan close the door behind him, he finally let them fall.


	5. Home

\- - - 22nd of May 2019 - 11:54 AM - - -

It was not like Shane to react so angrily to anything Ryan would say. Shane would never say something to deliberately upset someone, it was just not like him. Ryan just blamed it on all the stress Shane was experiencing. But he of course could not ignore that he himself had been stupid, he should have never brought the spirit box session up. He knew Shane did not believe in ghost, it was disrespectful.

Today Ryan was going to the hospital alone, since Sara had to work. Ryan could not lie, he was nervous to see Shane again after their fight. Shane’s words had kept him up all night. He wanted to make it up to Shane, tell him he was sorry. Ryan just wanted things to be how they were before the accident, carefree and fun.

Shane had always been that friend to him, the one you would have endless fun with and do spontaneous things with. He wished anyone could have a friend like Shane. He loved his best friend.

Ryan followed the hallways, that he had walked way more than he would have ever wanted. He greeted a doctor he saw almost everyday. Although the hospital was like a maze, he knew the way to Shane’s room, 107, like the back of his hand by now.

Before opening the door, he took a deep breath. Ryan pushed open the door and saw that Maggie was in the room as well. She was renewing Shane’s bandages, as he sat on the edge of the hospital bed, shirtless.

Shane looked up at Ryan. Ryan smiled at him, but got no response back. The tension between them made Ryan feel awful. He sat down on the chair at the coffee table awkwardly. Carefully Ryan glanced over at Shane’s wounds. There was a big circular wound on his shoulder, the skin around it was a little red. But it was looking way better as the week before. A diagonal scar ran from the side of his hip to the front. The lower part of the right side of his ribs were still bruised a little. Another painful looking scar ran over the side of Shane’s hip, it disappearing under the fabric of his pants.

Ryan ran his hand through his hair, seeing Shane hurt frustrated him. He never wanted this… Shane and Sara had told him it had not been his fault. But sometimes his mind still told him it was, unfortunately. Especially now that Shane was mad at him.

“Alright, I’m done.” Maggie said, as she finished up wrapping up Shane’s shoulder. “The wounds are looking really good, Shane. Nothing to worry about there.”

“Thank you, Maggie.” Shane said, looking a little sad.

“Of course.” Maggie was packing up her supplies and walked towards the door. “Bye Shane, see you this afternoon. Bye Ryan!”

Ryan gave her a little wave.

Maggie closed the door as Shane was carefully putting on his shirt again. Shane’s face was emotionless and Ryan did not know what to say. He leant forward into the chair, rubbing his hands together. Both men were silent. The air felt thick, almost suffocating. Finally, Ryan convinced himself he had to say something.

“Look-“ They both said at the same time, scaring each other.

“Go ahead.” Shane said, gesturing Ryan to talk with his hand.

Ryan rubbed the back of his neck before responding.

“I’m sorry, Shane. About yesterday, about everything honestly. I guess I just wanted to distract myself from what really happened.” Ryan sighed and looked down at this hands. “It hurts thinking about what really happened to you, Shane. You’re my best friend… I’m sorry.”

Shane let out a nervous, breathy chuckle.

“I’m sorry too, buddy. I should not have reacted that intensely, it was uncalled for. I don’t know what came over me.” He smiled at Ryan.

The room fell silent for a little while again. But it was not as much of a tense silence as before.

“How are you feeling?” Ryan asked after a while.

“Pretty good actually.”

Ryan nodded, sliding forward in his chair.

“Are you up for a little walk?” Ryan whispered, smiling mischievously.

\- - - 22nd of May 2019 - 12:16 AM - - -

“Come on! The coast is clear.” Ryan waved Shane over. Along with his cane Shane came hobbling down the hallway towards the exit of the hospital. Excitement, resembling that of a little boy receiving a gift, was written on his face.

Ryan jogged to the exit, opening the door for Shane. As he held it open, he immediately checked if Maggie or doctor Clemens were around.

“Damn, it feels good to be out of that hospital! Fresh air!” Shane said as he walked out, raising his right arm in the air. Ryan smiled seeing his friend so happy. The door fell shut behind them.

Shane stopped walking. He threw his head backwards, letting the sun shine on his face. It felt comforting. Having suffered so much physical pain the last two weeks, pain that made his body weak and tired, it felt surreal to finally feel something so nice. The warmth of the sun combined with the cool, fresh air Shane breathed in felt like heaven to him. Being locked up in a building for so long made him appreciate these things more than he ever imagined they could.

“You look like a snake warming up on a stone.”

“Why you gotta ruin my moment like that?”

“Because we gotta go quickly before Maggie or Clemens see you.” Ryan said, feeling a little paranoid. “You’ll have time to warm up a few blocks away from here.”

They were leaving the hospital, although Shane was not allowed too. But when Ryan had come with the idea to sneak out Shane could not resist. He longed for some other scenery. Although Shane was doing much better physically, he was feeling a little sad and frustrated because of not being able to do much. Because of staying at the same place all the time. Sometimes he felt like he was going crazy, like he needed to get out. Ryan only had to offer once and Shane was already grabbing his cane.

Shane had upgraded from a walker to a cane, since his hip had started feeling better. His walking had gotten pretty consistent. Shane did have a slight limp, which was going to stay for weeks to come Maggie had warned him, but it was nothing to worry about.

Ryan led Shane towards a cute little street with some shops and food bars. Quite some crowd was walking the streets. It had been some time since Shane had been among many people, it felt refreshing but he could also not help but feel a little anxious. A feeling he never experienced before, at least not caused by being among people that were not even paying attention to him. He saw some kid tugging on his mother’s sleeve begging for an ice cream. Three girls walked out of a shop, multiple bags in their hands, while heavily chatting. Shane was sure they were not even listening to each other. A skater almost fell as he tried to do a trick, but swiftly regained his balance. A life that once was so normal for him, that came so natural, now seemed so foreign.

“You coming, big guy? Don’t know how long we have until they notice you’re gone.” Ryan snapped Shane out of his thoughts. “How late will Maggie come to clean your bandages?”

“Uhm…” Shane said, not really hearing what Ryan was saying. He shook his head as if to get rid of the fuzzy feeling in his head. “Yeah, at four I think.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just weird being out and about again.”

Ryan gently placed his hand on Shane’s back, signalling him to keep walking.

“Sara and I have been eating at this fastfood place at the end of the street, I think you’ll like it.” Ryan said pointing towards a bump in the pavement so Shane would not trip.

“What the hell man, you’ve been having dinner with my girlfriend?” Shane joked.

Ryan laughed, Shane liked the sound. He felt a little more normal again.

\- - - 22nd of May 2019 - 01:12 PM - - -

“I’ll have two cheese hotdogs, please.” Shane said, leaning on the counter. “No wait, make that three.”

It was nice and cold in the food bar, much better than the hot and humid air outside. Shane had liked feeling the sun on his skin again, but his hip and ribs still hurt. Having pain in warm weather was terrible.

“Sit down, man. I’ll order the rest.” Ryan said to Shane, squeezing his friends arm.

“Thank you.” Shane said, hobbling over to a nice and quiet table in the corner of the bar. He sat down with a sigh, thankful to take the weight off his feet. Watching Ryan order the food took him back to all the times they flew out to film for Unsolved. They would stop somewhere near the location to get shitty food at some shitty food bar. The food was always bad but the memories he made made up for it.

It was pretty quiet in the food bar, Shane was thankful for that. His hip hurt awfully, he could now take his time to compose himself. Shane had thought he was ready to take longer walks, today proved the opposite. The fact that they had to walk all the way back scared him a little.

A tray hitting the table loudly scared Shane out of his thoughts. He visibly flinched. Making Ryan chuckle, who put the tray with their food just a little too harshly. Ryan took their food and drinks off the tray and onto the table.

“Sorry.” Shane said softly.

He watched Ryan put the tray back on the counter. Ryan sat down on the chair in front of him. Shane noticed his friend looked really happy. The happiest he had seen him since the incident.

“They were out of banana shakes, so I got you a strawberry one.” Ryan said, sliding the milkshake towards Shane.

“Thanks.”

“How is Sara?” Ryan asked, taking a bite of his hotdog.

“She is great.” Shane’s eyes lit up. “She has been amazing these past weeks. And so have you Ryan, I want you to know that. I appreciate it.”

Ryan nodded. “You’re my best friend.” He said matter of factly, smiling at Shane.

Shane took a bite out of his hotdog, groaning while looking at Ryan wide-eyed.

“Never do that again.” Ryan said.

“Man, the hospital food is disgusting. I really needed some proper food!”

“Groan while looking at me.”

“I want to stuff my stomach to the brim with hotdogs, and I’m going to. I say I deserve it after eating boiled carrots, peas with mashed potatoes and some stale minced meat on the side almost every day for the past two weeks.” Shane studied the hotdog in his hand. “Those peas, I swear, I’d rather admit ghosts are real than eat just one more of those.” He said, making Ryan chuckle. Shane seemed to be his old self and Ryan was so glad about that. If he imagined the cane next to Shane’s chair gone, it felt just like old times.

Shane slammed his fist on the table. “I’m going to order four more, no regrets!” He said, the pitch of his voice raising in excitement.

\- - - 22nd of May 2019 - 02:58 PM - - -

“Ugh, why didn’t you stop me?” Shane was slumped back in the crappy wooden chair.

“Because you literally told me to shut up when I asked you to reconsider your hotdog annihilation.” Ryan argued.

“Well, I guess today is a day full of bad decisions.” Shane rubbed his tummy, a content expression on his face.

Ryan let out a happy sigh “When can you leave that damned hospital? I miss hanging out together, well outside of a hospital. The hospital is kind of ruining the mood, don’t you think?” Ryan said after some silence, looking his friend in the eye.

“If everything keeps going well, in like two weeks.” Shane answered. “I can’t wait to get out of there as well.”

“Shit!” Ryan said standing up from his chair.

“What?”

“It’s three o’clock, we need to go!”

\- - - 22nd of May 2019 - 03:24 PM - - -

The two friends walked side by side. Ryan perfectly adjusted his pace to Shane’s, which Shane appreciated. It was still busy in the streets. Shane tried to keep his attention on walking correctly. His muscles were going to ache tonight, he could already feel it. The warm weather was not really helping either.

Something, or rather someone, abruptly bumped into Shane’s left shoulder pushing him backwards. He could just barely keep standing, thanks to Ryan’s fast reflexes. After stumbling for a second or two, he finally stood firmly again. The wound on his shoulder immediately started stinging. He also felt his hip act up because of the harsh steps he had to taken in trying to keep his balance.

He suddenly found himself in a dark room. But it was not just some room, it was the room he had fallen into in the Hudson River State hospital. An unbearable ringing suddenly took away his ability to hear. His heartbeat started quickening, as his hands started tingeling. But before it could all go out of control he snapped back to reality. He was back on the busy street.

“-ou okay, Shane?” Shane’s vision and hearing came back. He did not know how long it was gone for, but he guessed not for too long because the worry present on Ryan’s face was limited.

“Yeah I am.” Shane found his voice back, rubbing his painful shoulder.

“That fucker did not even stop to say sorry, did he not see that cane in your hand?” Ryan said angrily.

“It’s okay, Ryan.” As Shane pulled his hand away from his shoulder Ryan’s eyes widened.

“Shit, your shoulder is bleeding.”

\- - - 22nd of May 2019 - 04:01 PM - - -

“What did you eat?”

“Huh?”

“Most people who sneak out go out to eat. Spill it, what did you have?” Maggie asked Shane, carefully cleaning the gunshot wound on his shoulder.

Shane looked at Ryan before responding. “Seven hotdogs.” He burped.

Maggie’s eyes shifted to Ryan, who just shrugged.

“I saw you sneak out. Just ask me next time, I would have arranged a wheelchair for you, then we would not be here like this right now.”

Shane let out a quiet, distant chuckle.

“I’m sorry.” He said softly.

“It’s okay, but know that we do not have these rules for nothing.”

Shane only nodded.

Ryan watched as Maggie finished up dressing Shane’s wounds. He had noticed Shane had been distant ever since the little incident, and Ryan had to admit, he was worried.

Shane had been confronted with his new reality, this was going to be his new normal for the coming months. One little nudge, one little misstep and he would be reminded of that fateful day. The little black-out he had experienced had not quite reassured him either.

But he could not complain, right? Other people were worse off than him.

\- - - 5th of June 2019 - 10:03 AM - - -

“You got everything?” Sara asked Shane, her arm hung around his waist.

“I think so.”

Sara nodded. “Let’s go.”

Shane and Sara walked out of the hospital room Shane had spent the last few weeks in. He would lie if he said he was going to miss it. Sure, he was grateful for all the doctors and nurse Maggie for helping him, but he was eager to get out of here.

Clemens and Maggie were waiting outside the room to say goodbye to their released patient. Shane walked up to them smiling, a slight limp in his walk.

“I never want to see you here again!” Maggie said, smiling.

“Gladly.” Shane grinned and shook her hand. “Thank you for everything.”

He turned towards Clemens, and reached out his hand towards the doctor, who took it firmly with both of his. Shane saw Ryan had arrived at the hospital to drive them home, as the smaller man sped towards them.

“Try to stay out of trouble, mr. Madej. You were lucky!” Clemens said to Shane.

“Always was a lucky one.” Shane replied, looking at Ryan and Sara.

\- - - 5th of June 2019 - 02:18 PM - - -

“Obi, I missed you so much!” Shane said as he hugged the cat harder than the animal appreciated.

Ryan had dropped Sara and Shane off. He had helped them get all their luggage inside their home and afterwards returned to his own home, he figured Shane needed to rest.

Shane sat down onto the couch with a sigh, next to all their luggage. It felt great to be home again, he felt a little more at ease. He was ready to get his life back to normal again.

Sara stood in front of him, looking at him with a smile he knew all too well. She took his hands into hers.

“I can finally kiss you without having the feeling we’re being watched.” She said pecking his lips. Shane looked up at her lips as she spoke. “I don’t know, that hospital room gave me the creeps.”

Shane grabbed her by the waist. He gently placed her on his lap and leaned towards her placing his lips on hers. Sara laid her hands on his chest and gladly kissed her boyfriend back.

“Doesn’t… me sitting…on your lap….hurt your hip?” She said between kisses.

Shane moved his kisses from her lips to her neck, ignoring her question. It hurt, but he did not want to think about that. All he wanted to think about was her. Sara threw her head back and moaned softly in pleasure, making Shane groan in response. Feeling his breath on her neck again and his lips on hers after such a long time felt like heaven.

Shane slowly massaged her hips as he continued kissing her lips again. His arms fully embraced her, pulling her as close to him as possible. The feeling of her body against his drove him a little crazy.

They both moaned at the same time. Shane’s hand slowly crept up her shirt, caressing her rib cage. He just wanted to move up even further when an unexpected shattering noise made Shane almost jump. The sudden movement made his hip flare up. The pain caused black dots to appear before his vision.

“Shit, that was the framed butterfly I bought you…” Sara said disappointedly. She hopped off Shane’s lap, not noticing his distress. Bending forward she grabbed the multiple shards and what was left whole of the frame. Shane had placed the framed butterfly on top of the luggage balancing on the couch, but it had slid off.

Sara looked at Shane and noticed he was acting strange.

“You okay?” She said, pushing her hair out of her face.

“Yeah, just a little jumpy lately is all.” He answered as he blinked the black dots away.

\- - - 5th of June 2019 - 03:46 PM - - -

By the afternoon Shane’s life felt a little normal again as he sat on the couch in his and Sara’s home. They were watching a movie. She laid on Shane’s chest, after asking him multiple times in a row if he was sure it did not hurt his ribs. He had to reassure her about seven times and tell her he wanted her against him before she finally agreed. Butterflies had erupted in his stomach when she touched him, even after all these years. He loved her so much.

Sara had put on a cheery movie and Shane was really enjoying it, up until a scene came on that took place in a basement. For some reason the dusty concrete ground and the dark walls resulted in his body filling with anxiety. He wanted to look away from the screen but he could not. An uneasy feeling pressed onto his chest. His heart jumped when his hands started tingling again. He rubbed them together hoping the feeling would subside but it did not. As his breathing quickened the tingling rose up to his forearms. It made him feel lightheaded. Readjusting himself on the couch, Sara moved away from him, her gaze still focused on the movie. Her touch disappearing made place for another wave of anxiety to hit him. With a tight grip on his thighs, he tried to squeeze the blood out of his fingers, to give his mind any logical explanation for the tingling sensation. When it did not work, he quickly stood up.

“Excuse me.” He uttered, unsure of wether he actually spoke the two words. He stumbled away from the couch towards the bathroom. The room spun around him, somehow he took one step after the other.

“You’re forgetting your cane.” Sara said. Shane did not hear her though, all he heard was a high pitched noise. Then he was surrounded by blackness. He stood in a dark room, the air was musty. Making his breathing even more uneven. He looked around frantically for a way out of here. A tugging hand grabbed at his feet, pulling him down onto the ground.

All of a sudden Shane sat on the cold ground, resting against the tiled wall of the bathroom. How he got there he was not sure. His memory was blank, he did not remember what happened after he had stood up from the couch. All that ran through his mind was the weird kind of daydream he just had. Slowly his hearing came back. Loud knocks broke through the subsiding ringing noise, making him flinch.

“Shane, what happened?” He heard Sara ask through the door.

“I’m fi-“ The nerves forced Shane to swallow his words. “Fine.” He repeated out of breath.

“I heard a bang, open the door.” She said.

“One second!” Shane called out, making his head throb. He winched as he felt the back of his head, a small bump was forming. Shane figured he must have bumped his head against the sink while blacking out. Pushing himself up from the ground made his hip and ribs hurt a little. When he finally stood, he saw he had locked the door, although he did not remember it. How long had he been in here?

“Shane?” Sara asked again.

Biting his lip he twisted the lock. Sara immediately pulled open the door, storming in.

“What the hell happened?” She asked him, concern lacing her voice. She looked his body up and down as if to look for injuries. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, I was just on the toilet, may I?” Shane snapped before he could think about it. His mind was occupied by what just happened. He worried about what he just experienced, he tried to blame it on tiredness.

Sara let her arms fall beside her body, a sadness mixed with uncertainty filling her eyes as they shifted to the floor. “Oh, okay.”

Shane rubbed the back of his head, mentally cursing himself for lying to her. He just did not want her to worry.

“Look, I’m sorry Sara.” He pathetically apologised. “I guess I’m just really tired.”

She nodded in response. “Then let’s just go to bed.” She said, finally looking up at him again.

\- - - 5th of June 2019 - 09:37 PM - - -

He was running for his life.

As he turned the corner into a dark hallway he was met with a staircase. At the top of the staircase sat a luminous, familiar feeling blue light. His own breathing sounded rough as he studied the light. Shane desperately wanted to reach it, it would keep him safe, he felt it in his heart.

The sound of harsh footsteps behind him, made him pick up his feet again. He started running up the stairs towards the light. Only two steps in, the wood below his feet creaked awfully before it broke and pulled him down.

He fell for what felt like minutes. There was nothing he could do but scream, as he saw the ground approaching him. He was going to die, he did not want to die. He desperately waved his hands around, trying to grab onto something. But there was nothing to grab onto. He let out his final scream as his body hit the floor and he-

Shane woke up abruptly, sitting up on his bed immediately. Sweat was pouring down his face and chest as he tried to catch his breath. It took him a second to realise where he was. When the sound of his own heartbeat finally died down, Sara’s soft snoring took its place. Shane was thankful she had not woken up because of him.

His hip was hurting awfully, and his wounds felt as if they were burning. Shane knew that was not a good sign, but he really did not feel like worrying about that right now, and probably not ever. His mind was too occupied by the nightmare he just had, he had never experienced anything like it before. He blamed the physical pain he was having while sleeping for causing it. He was not planning on experiencing another nightmare tonight, he had to take some painkillers to ease his pain.

He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and stood up. Only know he realised he was trembling, the sweat felt cold on his body. Shane shivered as he walked into the bathroom connected to their bedroom, trying to ignore the pain in his hip. He checked if Sara was still asleep before walking towards the sink.

He filled a glass with water and tried to push a painkiller out of the strip. The shaking of his hands made it difficult to do so. He finally got it out and swallowed the pill. It slid down his throat as his mind gladly kept reminding him of the terrifying nightmare he just had.

 _It is nothing to worry about_ , Shane tried to reassure himself.

He looked at himself in the mirror, as soon as his eyes fell upon the bandages on his wounds he quickly looked away. Tomorrow he had to clean the bandages by himself for the first time and it really scared him. He was not looking forward to that.

He ran a shaking hand through his sweat soaked hair, before slowly stumbling his way back to bed. As his head hit the pillow his head kept spinning with thoughts. Something gave him the feeling he was not gonna catch much more sleep this night anymore. For the first time in years he truly worried about what his life was going to be, he was scared for the future. The blackouts he was experiencing, the nightmare… It was scaring him shitless and he did not know what to do about it. _Maybe it will all pass with time,_ Shane tried to reassure himself. _Yeah I just need time…_

While in the hospital he still had the hope of feeling better at home. Now he was home and he had started feeling even worse than at the hospital, he felt like he had nothing to hope for anymore. This was his new reality.

Maybe he just had to give it time.

The rest of the night Shane worried. He worried until the sun came up, and even after that. He never stopped.


	6. Office

\- - - 12th of June 2019 - 09:27 AM - - -

A pang of pain in his shoulder made Shane's mind flood with images of the accident. He carefully looked over at Sara, who was sitting beside him on the bus. He sighed in relieve when he saw her looking out of the window, occupied with her own thoughts.

A week had passed since Shane had left the hospital, and everyday he seemed to be doing worse. The accident haunted his thoughts more and more each day. How scared he had felt, the pain. All those emotions came back at unexpected moments at an incredibly fast speed, almost physically pushing him over. It felt like he was choking, like some rope was twisted around him. The blackouts and nightmares usually resulting in panic attacks also kept taking him by surprise. He did everything he had to to hide it all from Sara and Ryan. He could deal with this by himself, he did not need help. He was going to be just fine. Plus, he did not want them to worry.

A week had also passed without Shane cleaning his bandages. He had not looked at his wounds and scars since the accident, never even once. He had avoided it like the plague. Whenever Maggie had come to clean them when he was still in the hospital, he always made sure to look away. He was afraid that if he would look at the wounds, all of it would become too real. The thought frightened him. It also frightened him that he would rather risk an infected wound than looking at them. His mind was nonsensical a lot these days.

He had been home alone most days, since Sara had to work. He spent his days daydreaming about memories from before the accident. He had been so care-free back then, and spontaneous. Now all he did was worry and it was slowly destroying him. Sara had asked him if he was losing weight, he had brushed it off. But the truth was that he was. He did not feel like eating, the fears he felt about experiencing more blackouts and nightmares was too much. It made him forget his hunger, his thirst and sometimes even to breath. And the worst part; it made him forget the happiness he once felt.

Ryan had come by his house a few times, to either cook for Sara and Shane or just to keep his friend company. During those times Shane felt a little more alive again, but it only made him feel worse and more alone after Ryan left. It was as if he was faced with his new reality time after time again.

“Are you excited to get back to work again?” 

“Yeah.” He said, smiling to Sara. He was not entirely sure wether the smile had been true though. He felt a little unsure about going back.

After a silent bus ride of five minutes, they arrived at the Buzzfeed office.

They got out of the bus. Shane felt a little nervous, it had been a long time since he had worked and he was sure everyone would have a lot of questions… Questions he was reluctant to answer. Shane did not have to use his cane anymore, which he was glad his colleagues did not have to see him with that thing. Although he walked a little slower without it, he was glad to be rid of it.

Sara held out her hand to him. Smiling, Shane took it.

Together they walked into the office building. Sara openend the door for Shane, as he limped inside. He stopped dead in his tracks when he heard wooden floor boards creak under him. His gaze dropped downwards as he started to sweat. The floor of the entry hall existed of wooden floor boards. _How did I forget this?_

“You okay, Shane? Suddenly got cold feet?” Sara joked, placing her hand on Shane’s lower back.

“Um-“ Shane croaked out, blinking nervously.

_Don’t be ridiculous, Shane. You’re not going to fall through these boards…_

A falling sensation in his body made his knees buckle, almost falling to the ground.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Sara asked, a little bit of panic present in her voice. She held her boyfriend up just in time.

“I guess walking without my cane takes more energy out of me than I originally thought…” He lied.

“Just take it slow.” Sara said, still holding him.

Shane slowly started walking, the creaking of the wood almost drove him insane. A falling sensation made his head feel weird and his limbs weak. He gritted his teeth, step by step getting closer to the end of the hall. Relief washed over him when he exited the entry hall and entered the joint office space. He felt like he finally could breathe again. To Shane’s surprise the office was empty. He was just about to ask Sara where everyone was, when in the corner of his eyes he saw something pop up.

“Welcome back Shane!” A choir of voices erupted, people jumped out from behind their desks. They started applauding him, Sara joining them. A big banner hung from the ceiling with the text “We missed you!” written on it. A balloon taped to each desk in the office.

All the noise made Shane visibly flinch, before cracking a smile. Ryan walked out from the crowd and pulled his friend into a hug.

“Glad you’re back in the game, big guy.” Ryan said to him.

“Me too.” Shane said. _Why did that feel like a lie?_

Ryan patted Shane’s back, before clapping his hands together. “We got you pie, who wants some pie?” The smaller man yelled, resulting in the crowd cheering.

Ryan smiled up at Shane, Shane quickly forcing a smile back.

_I guess everyone’s life has gone back to normal, except mine._

\- - - 12th of June 2019 - 11:03 AM - - -

Shane was glad the welcome back party was over. He did not like all the curious and pitiful looks he was getting.

He hid behind his computer screen, doing his best to avoid questions.

“Hey Shane, buddy.” An unfamiliar voice spoke, it sounded almost condescending to Shane. “I just wanted to tell you, I’m glad you’re back.”

“Thank you.” Shane softy responded without looking at the person.

A few minutes later someone else stood at his desk.

“Hey, man. I’m happy you made it out alive!”

Shane just nodded in response, getting frustrated because of all these comments.

Soon after another voice spoke up.

“Hey Shane?”

“Just leave me the fuck alone!” Shane snapped.

Shane angrily looked up from his screen. He was met with Ryan’s kind eyes, but quickly looked away as they made him feel anxious for some reason.

“Shit, I’m sorry Ryan.” Shane said, rubbing his face with his hands.

“Are you alright?” Ryan said taken aback. He sat down on his friends desk.

Shane exhaled. “Yeah, I’m just getting a little tired from all of these constant well-meant welcome back’s and questions…” He said massaging the painful wound on his shoulder, it really was not feeling well.

“Can I get you anything?” Ryan asked.

Shane made brief eye contact with his friend before responding.

“No, thanks. Just looking forward to this day to be over.”

Ryan patted Shane’s shoulder giving him an encouraging smile, before leaving Shane alone.

Shane sighed as he tried to concentrate on his work.

\- - - 12th of June 2019 - 11:37 AM - - -

“Maybe we should not have planned that welcome back party for him…” Ryan said, pressing a button on the coffee machine.

“You think?” Sara asked, coffee in hand.

he leaned against the kitchen counter. “Yeah, he seems really shaken up by all the attention. Maybe it was too early for something like this.” Ryan looked at his hands for a second before looking back up at Sara. “I keep thinking about what Clemens said…”

“The mental health thing?” Sara responded quickly, making Ryan believe she had been worrying about it too.

Ryan nodded.

Sara thought for a while before responding.

“He is a little quiet, but I mean what happened to him was pretty terrifying… Let’s just give him a while to settle into his normal life again.”

“I guess you’re right…”

“I’m keeping an eye on him. Don’t worry Ryan. I’ll keep you informed.”

\- - - 12th of June 2019 - 12:21 PM - - -

Ryan watched Shane quietly eat his sandwich. They, Sara and some co-workers had sat down at a picknick table outside in the sun. Everyone was chatting away, joking, laughing. Except for Shane. It really was not like Shane to be so quiet, it worried Ryan. Ryan reached out his hand to his friend, squeezing his arm to let him know he was there for him.

Shane trembled slightly, as Ryan’s hand made contact with him. The sudden touch had shook him out of his thoughts. He looked at his friend, who smiled at him reassuringly. Shane looked away, a small smile on his face.

\- - - 12th of June 2019 - 07:13 PM - - -

Shane fell down upon the couch with a loud exhale. He was glad to be home after a long day at work.

“You did good.” Sara said, sitting next to her boyfriend. She leaned against his shoulder, making Shane yelp out as he quickly moved away from her touch.

“Oh shit, sorry…” Sara said. “I forgot… Does it still hurt that much? I thought Maggie said most pain would be gone by now?” She asked.

“I- I don’t know.” Shane stuttered.

“Can I take a look?” Sara said, looking Shane in the eye.

“No, I’m fine.” Shane quickly said.

“Okay, but promise me you’re taking good care of yourself.”

Shane nodded.

“And promise to tell me when there is something wrong.”

“I promise.”

\- - - 12th of June 2019 - 10:27 PM - - -

“You were quiet today…” Sara said, climbing into bed.

Shane had his back turned towards her, as he laid on his side. She snuck her arms around his waist, pressing a kiss on the back of his neck.

“Is everything okay?” She asked.

It took Shane a while to answer. Sara was about to start wondering wether he had fallen asleep, until he finally responded.

“Yeah, I’m just tired. It had been a while since I had a normal work day.”

Sara noticed her boyfriend was radiating a little more heat than normal.

“Hey, are you feeling alright? You’re feeling hot.” She reached over placing her hand on his forehead. He quickly took her hand away before speaking.

“You mean I _am_ hot?” Shane joked, trying to keep the attention off of his wellbeing. He was sick of all the worrying. He was just fine. He turned over, facing her.

Sara smiled mischievously.

Shane closed the small distance between them, lovingly kissing her.

“I’m really enjoying this, “ She said as Shane now kissed her neck. “but let’s sleep Shane. You really need the rest…”

Shane stopped kissing her neck and looked at her. 

“You’re probably right.” he said. “Let’s continue this tomorrow.”

\- - - 19th of June 2019 - 10:27 AM - - -

Shane sat at his desk, reading articles on ‘how to be happy’. In a few weeks some colleagues of his were going to shoot a video about the topic, so Shane decided it was time to do some researching.

He had been entering the office building through the back door, to avoid the wooden floor in the entry hall. Wishing desperately that no one was noticing. So far he had been able to make up excuses to tell Sara.

“Shane, got a second?” It was Ryan.

“Can’t you read?” Shane asked, raising an eyebrow. He shoved the ‘don’t bother me sign’ towards his friend jokingly. Ryan had bought him a small desk sign with the text on it after their little talk last week. Shane appreciated it greatly.

“Hey, that does not apply to me because I bought it for you. That means I am immune to it.” Ryan said pointing to the sign while smirking.

“Fine, what do you need?” Shane sat back in his chair and crossed his arms.

“We’ve got a meeting planned at eleven, just talking about some future Unsolved videos and shit. Don’t worry about it, I got some ideas. That okay with you?”

“Sure.”

“And um… You still okay? You seem tired, are you sleeping well?” Ryan asked, fumbling with his hands.

“Yeah I’m fine, really.” No he wasn’t.

“Okay.” Ryan said hesitantly, as if he wanted to say something else. “Then I’ll see you at eleven.”

\- - - 19th of June 2019 - 11:02 AM - - -

“Alright, next topic. Buzzfeed Unsolved. What do you guys have planned?”

Ryan sat up in his chair.

“Uhm, I have a few ideas for some paranormal locations. There’s this one in Arizona-“

Shane shivered upon hearing this. They were not actually expecting him to just enter some abandoned location after what happened? Was this some sort of joke? Shane could feel his chest tighten. It being no surprise to him when his hands started to tingle, as he had experienced the feeling many times before. _No not again… Do not cause a scene, Shane. No one needs to know you’re phased by this,_ Shane told himself.

Without realising Shane rose his hand. “Excuse me, I need to use the bathroom.” He said, pretty sure interrupting Ryan mid sentence but he could not focus on what his friend was saying anymore.

“Sure.”

Shane stood up, knocking over his glass of water. He did not notice the small destruction he caused though and scurried out of the room. Everyone looked weirdly at Ryan as if he knew what was going on.

Shane had to get out of there. He could feel his vision starting to fail on him as his heartbeat quickened. He had to be alone. No one could see him like this. With ragged breath he tried to find the restroom. _Think Shane, you’ve been here countless times before!_ The tingling crawled up his arms as he got closer. When he spotted the restrooms he started scurrying towards them. He was basically walking on auto-pilot by now, since dots of blackness covered his vision and made it impossible for him to see clearly. He bumped into a door and went through it. He could just make out the door to a stall and entered it quickly. Before he could twist the lock the tingling erupted in his feet and legs. His knees gave out under him and he fell to the ground.

He was surrounded by blackness. As he stood in the same dark room he had stood in during his other blackouts. Even though he knew what was about to happen, the tugging hand grabbing at his feet still surprised him. Shane screamed but no sound came out. He fell to the ground, knocking the wind out of him. He gasped for air, the dust in the room not granting him much. Rolling onto his back, he did his best to regain his breath.

He slowly felt something soak his shirt. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw a pool of bright red liquid collect under him. His entire body started shaking as he realised what it was.

“No, no, NO!” Shane snapped out of his blackout as he screamed. With his trembling hands hovering in front of his face, his vision returned.

The heavy breathing continued for a few minutes. For a while Shane was sure he was going to die. _What’s going on with me…?_ He cried, the blackouts frightened him so much. They made him feel as if he was back on the day of the accident. As if he was lying on that cold ground, in so much pain it paralysed him. Only inches from death.

It took him several minutes to get his breathing back under control. With each breath he felt closer to sanity. When he felt like he almost regained control, he heard someone enter the restroom. His eyes widened as he listened, trying to find out who it was.

“Shane are you in here?” It was Ryan, of course it was Ryan.

He heard Ryan open all the restroom doors, Shane eyes quickly darted to the lock. It was not locked. But before he could twist it, the door already flew open. Almost hitting him in the face.

Ryan did not know what to say when he found his friend trembling, while sitting on the dirty ground in a restroom stall. This was not like Shane at all. He quickly collected himself. 

“H-have you been crying…?” Ryan asked. He crouched down, putting his hand on his shaken up friend. Shane never cried.

Ryan watched Shane as his friend tried to fix his messed up hair and dry his cheeks. When Shane finally made eye contact with Ryan, Ryan shivered a little bit. Seeing his friend this upset really scared him, although he tried to not let it show. He had to be strong for Shane.

Ryan’s face felt so familiar to Shane, so kind. Like home. But still every time he looked at it and it had worry written all over it, even when Ryan was trying to hide it, it gave Shane this unsettling feeling in his gut. Shane could just tell, his friend was worried for him constantly ever since the accident, and it drove Shane insane. He finally realised why it upset him, It reminded him of the night it happened. And Shane did not like to be reminded.

Shane wiped some tears from his cheeks. He felt absolutely exhausted. The panic attack took a lot out of him, and having to hide it all took even more.

“Ryan, I’m not going back inside some abandoned building… How could you even expect that from me?” Shane said. His voice sounded so incredibly hurt, it made Ryan’s heart ache. Especially since going back to an abandoned building was not what Ryan had wanted to do. At all. He would never do that to Shane.

“No, Shane, please! You misunderstood me. Of course I won’t make you go back to one of those places. That would be ridiculous. I just thought maybe we could do research about these places. Talk about some ghost stories about these haunted places, instead of actually going there.” Ryan said. “Of course I won’t make you go back to an abandoned building…” Ryan repeated, to make sure Shane fully understood him.

Shane dropped his head. He breathed out loudly, providing for some calmth to enter his gut.

“I’m sorry for scaring you like that.” Ryan spoke.

“It’s okay.” Shane said, resting his head backwards onto the wall of the restroom. “I’m okay.” He whispered.

“Are you sure that was all that’s bothering you, nothing else?” Ryan carefully asked.

Shane nodded.

Ryan nodded in response while he stood up and held out his hand for Shane to take. Shane sighed before accepting his friend in helping him stand up.

\- - - 19th of June 2019 - 09:58PM - - -

“Shane, how many hotdogs do you want?”

“Just one, please.”

It was Friday, which meant they were eating hotdogs. Friday was always a lazy day for Sara and Shane cooking-wise.

“How are your wounds doing?” Sara asked while punching the time into the microwave.

“Um, all is good.” Shane fumbled with his fork. A lamp hanging above the kitchen island he was sitting at, shone brightly upon him. He felt just a little too exposed by the light, he knew Sara could read the lie right from his face.

“Shane, look at me.”

Shane turned his gaze towards Sara, who sat opposite of him. She leaned forward.

“If there is anything wrong, anything at all, you gotta let me know.” Sara looked deep into Shane's eyes. He could see the determination, mixed with patience inside of her own.

“Well, I don’t know what you want me to say, Sara. There is nothing to let you know!” Shane snapped just a little too loudly. He stood up from his chair, stepping away from the light. The lamp made him feel uncomfortable. Somehow lying in the dark was more easily. He wished she would just let him be.

“Then let me take a look!” She almost pleaded, stopping him in walking away.

Shane eyed her side-ways.

“Shane… “ She said his name, which almost sounded like a warning. “Please?”

Shane sighed before unbuttoning his button up. He pulled the fabric from his shoulder, leaving his chest half exposed. Sara scooted a little closer, taking a look at the bandages.

“Have you been cleaning these…?” She asked, sitting back to look at him.

“Yeah.”

“Then why do they look so dirty?” Sara asked, carefully trying not to push him too harshly.

“That’s how they always look after a long day, you wouldn’t know.” Shane growled.

“Why are you getting pissed at me?” Sara asked.

“Because there is nothing wrong, everything is perfectly fine! You’re making a problem out of nothing. I’m sorry I do not like my girlfriend to see me so vulnerable and weak!” That was not completely a lie. He did not like her to see him this way. He had always been the strong one, taking care of everyone. Shane had never before yelled at sara. Why was he doing this to her? Why was he doing this to himself?

“You’re ashamed to show me your wounds…?”

“I just don’t want to worry you.” Shane said a little more calm, looking at the ground.

The microwave beeped making both Sara and Shane flinch. Sara kept looking at Shane for a few seconds before standing up towards the microwave to get their hotdogs. Shane did not eat much that evening.


	7. Slipping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut warning!

\- - - 26th of June 2019 - 09:12AM - - -

Ryan watched as Shane slowly hobbled into the office and towards his own desk. Quietly greeting some people that greeted him first. Shane’s limp was still present and he still could not raise his arm as high as he used too, but it was manageable. At least that is what Shane told Sara and Ryan.

Shane sat down with a sigh. As he found Ryan staring at him he smiled one of his charming smiles to Ryan. That one little smile, sent Ryan spiralling down a lane full of memories from before the accident. When everything was still simple. When Shane seemed to be free, and without worry. All the jokes. It made Ryan miss those times. And he figured that maybe he and Shane just needed to make new memories. Maybe then they would loosen up again, and go back to normal.

Yes, that was just what they needed.

“Hey, Shane?” Ryan asked.

“Ryan?”

“You maybe feel like hanging out tonight? Think we could both use some fun.”

Shane was quiet for just a little too long.

“Aah, I promised Sara we would watch a movie together.”

_That hurt._

“Too bad… Maybe another time.” Ryan responded, smiling through the pain. Shane not making an effort to plan something on another date told Ryan there was not going to be an ‘another time’.

\- - - 26th of June 2019 - 11:56AM - - -

Ryan looked over at Shane. Shane sat quietly behind his desk, a little hunched over. His posture basically screamed “leave me alone’. He seemed so tired.

Ever since Ryan had found Shane having a panic attack on the ground one of the bathroom stalls, he had not been able to think about anything else. Shane had not directly told Ryan he was having a panic attack, but he could tell. All he needed was to take one little glimpse into Shane’s eyes and he had known that his friend was in distress. And that was all Ryan took from glimpses into Shane’s eyes the last couple of days. Shane was distant, quiet, down and not like himself at all. He never really seemed to be fully present, as if his mind was constantly somewhere else.

It was almost lunch break. Before the accident Shane would have been at Ryan’s desk way too early, distracting him from his work by telling silly stories. But Ryan did not mind, he had always loved Shane visiting his desk. When the clock turned twelve they would always walk to some picknick bench and eat together, sometimes also with other people. Lately, Shane had been absent though. Not just mentally but also physically somedays during the lunch break. Ryan would look for him, but he could not find his friend anywhere. After asking Sara and calling Shane’s phone multiple times, eventually he would give up. When Ryan would come back from his break Shane would be back, working at his own desk.

Each day Shane would look a little more tired, a little more distressed and a little less like himself. It was scaring Ryan. He felt like he was losing grip on his best friend. Like he could not reach Shane. He knew Shane was cutting himself off from him. Shane was doing a pretty good job blowing it all off. Blaming his weird behaviour on a sleepless night or feeling a little ill. But those excuses only worked for so long, especially on Ryan, who knew Shane like the back of his hand. At first, he would let little weird behaviours slip, he thought time would let them heal. But he could no longer ignore these concerning signs.

The clock turned 12:00. Hopeful of seeing his friend come walking towards him, Ryan looked over at Shane's desk again. But the desk was empty. _What else did I expect?_ Ryan slightly sat up, scanning the room. A frown was plastered upon his face. He spotted sara at her desk, she was focusing on the laptop in front of her. Ryan figured she maybe knew where Shane went. He stood up and started making his way towards her.

“Hey Sara. Seen Shane around?”

Sara turned around in her chair, looking for Shane.

“He isn’t at his desk?”

“No.” Ryan responded, watching her grab her phone. She looked around once more before unlocking it.

“He was at his desk a minute ago.” Sara held her phone at her ear. She stood up and walked over to the kitchen of the office. When she concluded her boyfriend was not there she walked back over to Ryan.

“He isn’t picking up either.” Sara said, putting the phone back into her pocket. “Maybe he went to buy a sandwich at the diner across the street? He told me that’s what he usually does during lunch breaks these days.”

“So you’re not the least bit worried he goes off alone each day? This isn’t like Shane at all and you know it.”

“Just give him some time, Ryan. He’ll be better.” Sara smiled convincingly, although Ryan thought he heard some uncertainty in her words. She was just as worried as him, then why did she not do anything about it?

“Maybe…” Ryan responded unsure. This was not sitting well with him. He had a nasty feeling at the back of his throat.

\- - - 26th of June 2019 - 01:02 PM - - -

The entire lunch break went by without any sign of Shane and the nasty feeling in Ryan’s throat had transformed into a suffocating one. He felt insane for asking all of his colleagues if they had seen Shane. Just when Ryan was about to open his mouth to ask the eleventh colleague, Sara stopped him.

“He probably just needs some time alone, Ryan.” she said, more sternly this time.

Ryan was furious. How she could be so calm about this? About all the times Shane just disappeared during lunch and made up some terrible excuse why he had been gone? Shane was shutting himself out, did she not see that? Ryan did not let Sara know he was angry, though. He just let his head fall in defeat, as his throat restricted even more. The worrying seemed to literally make him sick.

A tap on his shoulder was a welcoming distracting of the tightening feeling in his throat.

“Ryan, Shane is right there.” Ben, a colleague, pointed towards Shane’s desk. Where Shane sat, as if he had not left at all. The frustration of worrying for nothing flashed through Ryan’s chest, as he started stomping towards Shane.

“Where the fuck were you this time?” Ryan asked, when he reached Shane. He came off more angry than he intended too.

“I was just taking a walk, Ryan.” Shane said coldly, not taking kindly to Ryan’s rudeness.

“Why didn’t you tell me or Sara? We were worried sick!”

“Why? You think I can’t look after myself? Did you think I was going to throw myself off of a fucking bridge? Jump in front of a car?” Shane’s harsh words took Ryan by surprise. “Oh poor Shane, he doesn’t know what to do with himself!” He said putting on a voice. Then he started yelling. “Everyone here looks at me as if I’m insane.” Never once he made eye contact with Ryan. “Oooh what happened to Shane? He’s gotten a lot more quiet since the accident! He almost died, I heard he talked with ghosts! Just shut the fuck up!”

Ryan did not know what to say.

Shane looked into Ryan’s eyes for a brief second, immediately getting pushed over the edge again.

“Stop looking at me like that!” Shane yelled at Ryan.

“Like what?” Ryan blurted out, his voice cracked pathetically.

“Where the fuck do you think all of this is coming from, Ryan? I was almost fucking killed! Can I please have some time to heal, or is that too much to ask? And maybe you should stop babying me! I’m NOT fucking insane. I can handle myself just fine!” Shane took a deep breath, before shouting. “I don’t need your fucking help, Ryan!”

Shane’s words stung. Way more than the feeling of the invisible barbed wire wrapped around Ryan’s neck, making his breathing irregular and sore. Ryan felt a painful mixture of anger and sadness boiling in his stomach. He pointed his finger at Shane, wanting to say something back. Shane did not get to be mad at him. After caring for him, after worrying for him for so long. For keeping himself strong for Shane’s sake. But Ryan realised right now he seemed to fail staying strong, as Shane stepped forward with a worried expression on his face.

“Ryan, c’mon lets sit down.”

Only now Ryan realised he was mumbling incoherently and breathing rapidly.

Shane took Ryan by the arm and started walking towards the office kitchen, where hopefully no one was present. Ryan stumbled beside Shane, his breathing still picking up. It was difficult enough for Shane to keep his balance without Ryan swaying by his side, considering his hip was still hurting. Having Ryan almost trip over his own feet a few times did not help.

Ryan fell to the ground when they reached the kitchen. He caught himself on the kitchen counter and slid down it.

Shane followed him down, kneeling in front of his friend who was still hyperventilating.

It had been a long time since Ryan had suffered a panic attack. It had only been a matter of time with all the constant worrying about Shane, and here he was. On the ground of the office kitchen with his best friend before him, trying to calm his rapid breath into a more controlled one.

Shane was soothingly rubbing Ryan’s arms and hands.

“Breathe in… and out.” Shane said in a calming tone. Ryan could barely make out what his friend was saying, as all his focus went to the harsh breaths he was taking.

It surprised Ryan how well Shane was guiding him through this. Shane touching him and talking to him kept Ryan from falling deeper into the insufferable hole that was a panic attack.

The room spun around Ryan and closing his eyes only seemed to make it worse. Shane holding his hands calmed him, the warmth radiating off of them. After a painful minute of dizziness and breathlessness, Ryan finally calmed a little.

“We’re both doing pretty shitty lately, huh.” Ryan chuckled through his tears, when his breathing had almost returned to normal.

“Yeah…” Shane said, letting go of his friend’s hand and looking down at the floor. “What’s going on Ryan?”

Ryan looked up at Shane, who was still looking down.

Shane wiped some sweat off of his forehead.

“I’m just worrying about someone.” _About you._ Ryan shook his head, before continuing to talk. “I have this friend, it feels like he’s slipping away… and I don’t know what to do about it.” Ryan looked Shane in the eyes, Shane still avoiding Ryan’s gaze.

“Who?” Shane’s voice sounded small.

“You don’t know him.” Ryan lied.

“Hm.” Shane said distantly.

Shane shifted to a different kneeling position, making his hip flare up. He hissed. Ryan felt really terrible about it. It was because of him they were on the ground.

“Shane, please look at me.” Ryan said after a while. A disappointed feeling overtaking him when Shane kept looking down. He decided to say what he wanted to say anyway. “I’m not mad at you. I know what you went through, I was there-“

“I know!” Shane cut him off. “That’s the worst part about it… Every time I look at you, my thoughts go back to that night. I get reminded of everything that happened, all over again. I don’t want this, I wish it wasn’t happening, but it is…” Shane took a deep breath. Ryan could not believe what his friend was saying. “Maybe we should stop seeing each other for a while…” Shane said, not daring to look at Ryan.

Ryan was silent for a moment.

“Sounds like you’re breaking up with me.” Ryan choked out, wiping leftover tears from his cheeks. He let out a nervous chuckle, so did Shane.

“I really think this is best.” Shane said, wiping his runny nose.

Ryan nodded.

No way was he going to let Shane suffer all alone, shut everyone out one by one. But he had to go along with it for now.

\- - - 26th of June 2019 - 03:26 PM - - -

“Shane, have you finished editing the video yet?”

“Not yet.”

“Well can you hurry up, we’re waiting on you.”

“Well can you shut the fuck up? I’m doing my best.”

Ryan’s head snapped to the direction the conversation was coming from. His jaw dropped upon hearing Shane’s response. He had never heard Shane talk to anyone at work like this, or anyone at all actually. _What has gotten into him?_ Shane usually avoided conflict, not create it.

“Excuse me? You’re being an asshole lately, you know that? Nowadays you never do what you are asked to do, you’re always too late with handing in your work. Are you even doing any work? I only see you staring blankly at that screen all the time.” The colleague snarled back.

“Listen to me, you piece of shit-“ Shane stood up from his chair, pointing his finger at the person he was fighting with.

“Hey, hey!” Ryan jumped between them. “Stop this! There’s nothing to worry about, I’ll finish the video for you. I’ll send it at the end of the day.” Ryan said to the colleague, trying to prevent any more conflict from happening.

“Oh, your friend has to help you again. Great job, Shane! How about you quit being an asshole and do your job, you’ll feel better.” And with that the person walked away.

“I won’t ever stop being an asshole to assholes!” Shane called after the person.

Ryan quickly shushed Shane.

“And I asked you to leave me alone.” Shane said sternly.  
  
“Okay, okay.” Ryan responded, putting his arms up in defense. “I’m leaving already.”  
  


\- - - 26th of June 2019 - 10:56 PM - - -

“Shane? Melanie just asked me if we wanted to join her going out tonight.”

Sara walked towards Shane, phone in her hand. The screen dimly lit up her face.

“It's almost eleven, I just wanted to go to bed.”

“But it’s Friday, we can sleep in tomorrow.” She sat down next to Shane on the couch. “I think it’d be good for you.” She said, caressing his arm. Shane covered his face with his hands and sighed.

“Sara, I really don’t feel like it…” He mumbled.

He dropped his hands and looked at her.

“So when will we go out together again? It has been weeks.” She asked, trying not to show she was a little disappointed.

“I have been in the hospital, Sara.” Shane said distantly, not wanting to get into it. He felt a nauseating pain in his shoulder and tried his hardest to not let it show.

“Yeah, and you’re out of it now. We have to pick up our lives sometimes. Don’t you think you’re ready for that yet?”

“We? We have to pick up our lives?” Shane said, slightly raising his voice.

“Yeah, we. I feel like I lost my boyfriend that day. The man I fell in love with, the man that had fun in life, that always had some joke to share, the man that loved me.” Her eyes glistened with tears.

“I still love you, Sara.”

“Then why haven’t we made love in weeks?”

“If I remember correctly you were the one that stopped me, last time I tried.”

She sat back, a distance growing between them. A silence ensued, that felt uncomfortable to Shane. He felt like he was about to be exposed.

“Shane, I’m worried about you… “ Sara said softly. “Do you think you could maybe use some help? Talk to a therapist once a week maybe?”

“What is it with everyone and me thinking I need help?” Shane’s voice sounded strained and had a frustrated tone. “I’ve never needed a therapist in my life Sara, why would I need one now? I just need some time to heal, I’ll be totally fine.” _I totally won’t._

“Okay.” Sara looked at him with the saddest eyes he had ever seen. Making him feel terrible for speaking out to her again. Sara stood up and walked away towards their bedroom.

“Sara, please. I’m sorry!” Shane called after her.

She kept on walking, shutting the bedroom door behind her.

“Shit.” Shane muttered under his breath. He did not want her to feel alone and sad. The past few weeks he learned how that felt and he did not want her to experience that, especially not because of him. Shane decided to go after her.

He slowly stood up, trying not to hurt his hip or ribs. As he limped towards the bedroom, he heard some muffled sobbing. The sound made his heart fill with guilt. _Why am I fucking everything up lately?_

He tried to focus on her, instead of his mind constantly scaring and reminding him about the accident. It was hard to think about anything else, but he was willing to try for her. Although Shane hated himself about wanting to use the situation to his advantage, he could not help but see this as a good opportunity for him to talk her out of arranging a therapist for him. He would do anything to not be reminded of the accident. His mind and body were already giving him such a hard time, talking about it would only make it worse. He was sure about that.

Shane opened the door and found Sara sitting on his side of the bed, her back was turned towards him.

“Sara?” His voice cracked slightly. “Are you okay?”

She did not answer. Instead her back started shaking as he heard her sob loudly. He rushed over to her as quickly as he possible could and wrapped his arms around her. She buried her face into his chest, taking in his smell. The sound of his heartbeat calmed her down, it always did.

“Are you, Shane?” Sara said suddenly.

Shane knew this was the time for him to talk about his emotions. After a few seconds of silence trying his best to form a sentence that did not hurt too much saying out loud, he spoke.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately… All I know is that I keep disappointing you and Ryan, without meaning too. I’m so sorry, Sara. I just need a little more time to get myself back together, I’ll get there, really.”

Sara pulled away from Shane’s chest, so she could see his face. Through the tears on her face peeked a relieved smile. She was so glad that he finally talked about his feelings, only if it was just a little. It was something and the most she had gotten out of him since the accident.

“Thank you for talking to me.” She smiled. “I- I understand if you’re suffering with what has happened, you just have to tell me about it. Talking about it is good, even though it doesn’t feel like it. Ryan and I, we try to stay strong for you. But that does not mean we do not feel awful about the whole situation, about what has happened to you.” Her eyes stared into his intensely. “I guess I just want you to know you’re not alone in this.”

Shane smiled back at her. Appreciating her effort of making him feel better. Truth is; he did not believe talking about it would make it better or that they understood how he felt. He kept on telling himself that he would never find true happiness again, the rest of his life would be spent worrying and having blackouts, nightmares, panic attacks, and that frightened him.

Through all these thoughts, he still smiled at her. She meant well.

After a while Sara said: “I’m glad we talked, and please keep on doing so, Shane. You don’t have to do this alone. Please, don’t disappear on me… Hey, are you feeling alright? Feels like you’re burning up…” She said resting her hand on his forehead. He closed his eyes, enjoying her touch.

Her doe-like eyes were staring into his when he openend his eyes again. His muscles relaxed a little, as a warmth he had not felt for a long time swirled through his body.

“I really do love you.” He said.

“I love you too, Shane.”

The warm feeling in his stomach intensified. When Sara looked at his lips, he could not help but make the distance between them non-existent.

While kissing, Shane breathed in her sweet scent, realising how much he had actually missed her. Her lips moved passionately against his, Shane could tell she had missed him as well. Needing to feel her against him, he wrapped his arms around her. Squeezing her tightly against his chest, he felt her breasts against him, making him moan into her mouth in pleasure. Sara moaned in response, running her hands softly over Shane’s back, all the while still kissing him.

Shane loved how much she tried not to accidentally cause him any pain. She used her hands so delicately around his body, you would think he was made of glass.

But despite her being careful she accidentally caressed his hip a little too harshly, making him groan in pain briefly. Shane was glad that Sara did not seem to notice though. Images of blood mixed with dust and dirt, covering concrete flashed inside his mind. It caused him to only kiss Sara harder. He did not allow the memories to ruin this for him. He gently pushed her down onto the bed, hovering over her as his hand slowly pulled up her shirt and over her head. Sara swiftly unhooked her bra, tossing it to the ground.

Shane started kissing her neck

“Shane…” Sara moaned, running her hands through his hair. She had missed feeling the thick strands of his hair between her fingers.

The sensation of Sara pulling his hair, made Shane shiver.

He moved from kissing her neck to kissing her breast. While sucking on her nipple, he moaned. The vibrations causing irresistible feelings to erupt in her belly.

“Shane, please…” Sara begged.

Shane pulled back looking at her, lust present in their eyes. Sara cupped his face and shifted her eyes towards his crotch. With one swift movement, Shane sat back and started unbuckling his belt, Sara helping him. Soon after he removed his pants and his shirt. Sara’s hands instantly ran over Shane’s chest, the bandage on his shoulder, his collarbone, the yellow bruising on his ribs and then stopped at the scar on his hip. Goosebumps erupted on Shane’s skin where her hands hovered. She could tell Shane felt uncomfortable with her staring at his scars, as his gaze turned from lust-filled to insecure.

She slowly moved her lips to his ears and whispered: “You’re beautiful.” Lovingly she kissed his chest, slowly moving downwards. When she reached his hips she gently placed three kisses on the scar. When Sara looked up at Shane again, his eyes were filled with tears. Shane quickly blinked the tears away as he started kissing her again. Sara’s slim fingers tugged at the hem of Shane’s underwear. And before they knew it, they were both completely naked, enjoying the feeling of their warm skin pressing against each other.

“Hmm, Sara.” Shane hummed, while she kissed his neck. Her hand reached towards Shane’s crotch, making him gasp. Shane slightly readjusted himself.

They both tensed up and moaned as he slowly entered her. Shane took a moment for Sara to relax.

“Fuck.” Shane whispered under his breath when he started thrusting. Her fingers ran though his hair, over his back, traced the curve of his neck to his shoulder. Everywhere she touched him felt heavenly, adding to the sensational pleasure.

A breathy moan left Sara’s throat as Shane picked up speed. But the longer Shane kept on thrusting a, at first small, but now not to be ignored pain flashed through his hip. The sting of pain guided his thoughts to that night. Flashes of bright red blood entered his mind every time he closed his eyes. Shane tried to focus on Sara, on the way she touched him, but the dark thoughts were too overwhelming.

Suddenly he was back in that same, god-forsaken dark room. Even though he felt anger it did not stop waves of panic to slowly engulf him as his breathing picked up. As always, a hand tugged at his feet, making him fall onto his side, hurting his hip in the proces.

Shane hissed as he slowly rolled onto his back, wanting the excruciating pain to stop. He gasped for air, hoping that the oxygen would relieve him from some of the pain. But it was just dust that entered his lungs, sadly no cure for his pain.

As he looked around he saw only blackness, making his panic spike. The darting of his eyes almost made him not realise there was blood slowly collecting under him, but his fingers touching something sticky and wet reminded him. He brought his hands up to his face. Horrified by the blood, he frantically tried to rub it off on his clothes.

Somehow the blood started pouring into his mouth, stopping him in trying to clean his hands. As he was now desperately trying to get the blood out of his mouth with his hands. But to no avail, slowly it started choking him. The metallic taste was unbearable as he desperately tried to swallow it to stop the breathlessness. His muscles went numb and he could not move any longer. His eyes started to feel heavy when out of the corner of his eye he saw a figure approaching him.

“Shane!” He suddenly heard Sara’s voice somewhere far away. _But Sara had not been there during the accident…?_ Shane peered into the darkness, looking for her. When he suddenly felt two hands wrap around his shoulder, pressing on the painful wound on his left shoulder.

A mixture of pain and fear made him yelp out, as snapped back into reality. It was silent in the bedroom, except for Shane’s strained and panicked breathing. He calmed a little when he saw Sara’s worried expression.

Shane sat up, resting on the edge of the bed. He buried his face into his hands, trying to hide the emotions he was feeling. Shane could not believe he just had another blackout… _I did not, right? That was just a dream. Nothing to worry about._

“Please don’t do this.” Sara said, her voice soft. “Like I just said, please don’t disappear on me. Talk to me, Shane.”

“I’m sorry, Sara. I can’t do this.” He took a shaky breath. “I thought my hip was healed enough, but apparently not.”

He heard Sara move closer, behind him. She wrapped her arms around his bare chest and rested her head on his back.

“Shane, you blacked out on me…”

“Must have been the pain.” Shane said, looking over his shoulder at Sara through the corner of his eye.

Sara did not respond.

\- - - 27th of June 2019 - 03:02 AM - - -

Shane’s breathing was harsh but steady, as he tried to keep his legs moving forward. He was running from… from something. He was not sure what, but he knew he needed to get away from it.

He turned a corner into a familiar dark hallway, where he was met with a staircase. The same luminous blue light shone brightly from the top of the staircase. And just like the last time, Shane felt this strong pull towards it. It would keep him safe.

He quickly looked behind him when he heard loud footsteps behind him. Shane decided to run towards the light, it would protect him from whatever was following him. If he remembered correctly the second step would fail under his weight, so he skipped that one. Shane kept climbing the stairs at a steady pace, but his blood ran cold when the wood below him cracked and broke. Gravity pulled him down.

A numbing fear overtook him as he saw the ground approaching him fast. Shane tried to grab something to stop him falling, but his pathetic attempt lead to nothing. The ground was dangerously close now and with a bone crunching smack he hit the floor. His vision faded into nothingness as all life seemed to drain from his body.

Shane flew upright as he awoke from his nightmare. His heart was beating so rapidly, he for a second thought it was not beating at all. To make sure his heart was still beating, Shane pressed onto his chest with his hands. He slung his legs over the edge of the bed, his knees were trembling. Hell, his entire body was shaking. He figured he needed to go to the bathroom before he woke up Sara with his heavy breathing.

Stumbling, he reached the bathroom. He quietly closed the bathroom door. Leaning on the sink he tried to collect himself. _Shit, shit! Why does this keep happening to me…?_ It freaked Shane out that he kept having the same nightmares and hallucinations during blackouts.

He looked up at his reflection, trying to not let his eyes wander over the large scar on his hip and the bruising on his ribs. He was not ready for that. Probably not ever. It had been a long time since he had properly looked at himself in the mirror. Shane had not realised he looked this tired and pale, he seemed almost sick. His gaze stopped at the bandage on his shoulder. That wound was really bothering him. It felt awful, numbing and hot. He was pretty sure it was infected, but he did not want to deal with it. He just knew it would remind him of that night, and would do anything to stop that. The shoulder wound was the only one that was still open, the doctors had not stitched that wound up, unlike the wound on his hip. Which was now a thick scar.

His gaze shifted towards his face again. Sweat was covering his forehead. Shane was sure he had a fever coming up, and he figured it was probably because of the wound.

Shane’s hand hovered over the bandage on his shoulder. _Should I take a look? I’m already feeling shitty anyway…_

A knock on the door made Shane flinch, causing his breathing to pick up again.

“Shane?” Sara called out from the other side of the door. “Can I come in?”

“Just give me a minute!” Shane replied, quickly trying to think of what to do and what excuse to tell Sara. His eyes fell upon the toilet. He quickly flushed it.

“Come in.” He said.

The door creaked open, the noise made Shane shiver.

“Hey, why are you up?” Sara asked, rubbing her eyes. She stood next to Shane, watching him via the mirror.

“I just had to pee.” Shane started washing his hands. Some water he splashed onto his face, to get rid of the sweat beads on his forehead. With a wash cloth he dried his face, then smiled at Sara. She watched him suspiciously. He noticed her looking at the bandage on his shoulder. She took a step towards him to take a closer look.

“Let’s go back to bed, huh?” Shane said quickly, trying to act normal. He did not feel like talking about those stupid bandages again.

“Are you really cleaning these?” Her small finger pointed at his shoulder.

“Yes, how many more times do I have to tell you.” He said, trying to squeeze past her.

Sara suddenly pulled open the drawer underneath the sink, revealing a stack of bandages. Shane looked at her like a deer caught in the headlights. _Damn, I’m an idiot._ He pathetically muttered something incomprehensible.

“I’m not stupid, Shane! I can tell this pile is not shrinking. At first I thought you were maybe buying new ones regularly and that that was the reason why, but since you never leave the house that can’t be it. So that means that you have been lying to me about this all this time?” She looked extremely disappointed in him. “I have been patient with you about this, but you really need to change these now and clean that wound!”

It took Shane a while to find words. He was running out of excuses.

“N-no! Sara, I can do this myself. Stop bothering me and just leave me the fuck alone!”

He could tell she was holding back tears.

“Fine.” Sara said, coldly. “But if that wound is infected, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

She spun around on her heels and slammed the door shut, again making Shane jump slightly. Tears sprung in his eyes when he saw flashes of blood again. He punched the wall in anger and defeat. _What the fuck is wrong with me?_ Shane desperately wanted these struggles to be over…

\- - - 27th of June 2019 - 08:57 AM - - -

Ryan had lied in bed awake all night. Unable to sleep because of his conversation with Shane. He could not believe his friend did not want to see him anymore.  
Not that them hanging out had been fun lately. They did not joke anymore, all they talked about was serious stuff. But Ryan knew they just needed time and that everything would go back to normal. Shane would be back making stupid jokes again and Ryan would laugh at those stupid jokes. He missed those times with all his heart.

Shane had seemed alright while he was in the hospital. When they had snuck out together. That had been fun. Ryan had not realised back then that that would be the last time.

Ryan rolled over on his bed, and grabbed his phone from the nightstand. Hopeful that Shane had texted him saying he regretted what his decision, but no. No notifications, except for some group chat Ryan did not really care about. He needed Shane, not anything else. _A phone call would not hurt right?_ If his friend- could he even still call him that? They felt more like acquaintances by now. If Shane would not pick up, Ryan knew Shane was serious about this. _Let’s just hope he picks up…_

Ryan dialed Shane’s number and put the phone to his ear. In suspense he waited.

\- - - 27th of June 2019 - 08:59 AM - - -

Shane had spent the rest of the night on the couch in front of the television. He felt he was not welcome next to Sara now, and he could not sleep anymore anyway. Another nightmare would haunt his dreams if he tried and he did not feel like having another panic attack because of it.  
Shane flinched when his phone next to him started ringing. His heart seemed to sink when he saw it was Ryan calling him. It made him feel terrible about what he had said to him, but he still believed it was the best for them right now.

He closed his eyes with a frown, waiting for the ringing to be over. After what felt like an hour of waiting it finally stopped. But it did not make Shane feel any better, knowing Ryan was on the other end of the line feeling sad and disappointed. because of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shane is a 100% fan-site material.


	8. Scars

\- - - 29th of June 2019 - 03:46 PM - - -

“How is Shane?” Ryan asked, following Sara closely through the office kitchen.

“Why won’t you ask him yourself? He’s at his desk where he always is.” She responded, grabbing a mug out of a cabinet.

“Please, just tell me!” Ryan said.

Sara turned towards him. “For the twentieth time today, he is just fine!”

“Thank you, Sara.” Ryan said, a sad smile on his face. He walked out of the kitchen, leaving Sara feeling confused.

\- - - 3rd of July 2019 - 01:31 PM - - -

Lately, the days were torture for Ryan. He saw Shane slipping more and more every day. Each morning he thought Shane had reached the peak of how destroyed he could look, but Shane unpleasantly surprised him each time. It was hard for Ryan to keep his distance, while wanting to comfort Shane so badly. He strongly disagreed with Shane on that they needed distance from each other. Ryan believed they needed each other more now than ever. Ryan had shared the fateful day with Shane, he had been there for him. They should both find comfort in that.

But he would respect Shane’s wish for now. Shane would find out sooner or later that he needed Ryan, just as much as Ryan needed him.

“What do you think about Shane…? He’s acting pretty rude lately…”

“Oh god, I’m glad you think the same. He behaved so shitty to you the other day! The guy gets pissed off so easily nowadays, it’s crazy!”

Ryan heard two female voices whisper to each other. Probably unaware Ryan could hear them. He quickly looked towards Shane, hoping Shane could not hear them talk. Suddenly it clicked. This was what Shane had yelled to him about a week ago. Shane’s mocking words echoed in Ryan’s mind.

_“Everyone looks at me as if I’m insane. Oooh what happened to Shane? He’s gotten a lot more quiet since the accident! He almost died, I heard he talked with ghosts!”_

Shane had heard people talk about him behind his back. Was that why Shane had stopped joining Ryan and his colleagues during lunch? Did he not trust them anymore? Ryan felt awful for not noticing this sooner. He knew Shane had been arguing with some of his colleagues. Had he reacted so extreme because he knew they were gossiping about him?

“Do you know what exactly happened to him?”

Ryan heard the increasing curiosity in their voices and it sickened him.

“I thought he got shot and fell down the stairs in some abandoned building.”

“Holy shit! And now he’s acting all weird? I bet Ryan thinks he’s possessed by a ghost.

The two girls laughed, making Ryan roll his eyes.

“Shane definitely looks like he got possessed by a ghost, he looks absolutely terrible!”

Ryan’s blood was boiling by now. How could they talk so rudely about someone? Could they not tell Shane was hurting? Sure, hurting was no reason to be mean to people. But it did explain a lot, knowing that people were being shitty to him too. Ryan now understood a little better why Shane reacted and acted the way he did. It did worry Ryan though that Shane had been totally able to take gossiping and hate before the accident. He did not even seem to be bothered by what other people negatively thought or said about him.

The thought that Shane had heard people talk about him badly, resulting in him being sad, made Ryan’s heart ache. He had enough of this.

Ryan turned around in his chair.

“Could you guys maybe not talk shit about Shane behind his back?”

He saw the surprise on their faces.

“Sorry, Ryan. We were only joking.” One of them said shyly.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Shane is having a hard enough time, he does not need your shit as well.”

Ryan turned towards his desk again, discreetly checking to see if Shane noticed their conversation. He exhaled when he saw Shane wearing headphones.  
  


\- - - 2nd of July 2019 - 08:54 AM - - -

“Don’t pretend that you don’t know what I’m talking about!”

Ryan had just arrived at the office when he heard Shane arguing with someone.

“You can say whatever the fuck you want to about me, but don’t you dare say anything about Sara or Ryan! If I hear you talk about them once more, I swear.”

Ryan quickly dropped his bags to the floor when he saw Shane stepping dangerously close to the other person, Ben. While scurrying over to them, Ben took a step closer to Shane. They now stood almost toe to toe. Shane towered over Ben, who was much smaller.

“Oh yeah, what would you do?” Ben asked.

Shane pulled his arm back, getting his fist ready to punch. With all his power he pushed his arm forward, aiming at Ben’s face. He hit Ben square in the nose before anyone could do anything about it. Mumbling some curse words to himself, Ryan now started running. He was just in time to stop Ben from lunging towards Shane. And just like a few days before, Ryan had to jump in between Shane and a colleague. He held them both back by pressing his hands against their chests.

“What the hell is going on here?” Ryan asked, a worried expression on his face.

“You motherfucker.” Ben wiped at his nose, strings of blood stuck to his hands.

“Want any more?” Shane said provokingly, doing his best to not look at the blood. He was afraid how seeing it would make him feel. Sweat was pouring down Shane’s forehead, when he realised he quickly wiped it away.“How you dare taunt me? I’m not a ghost, Shane!” Ben said, trying to make his nose stop bleeding.

“Please, guys-“ Ryan tried to get in between them. Still holding Shane back. Ryan desperately looked around for help, but there were not many people at the office yet, as it was still early.

“I can turn you into one if you like?” Shane yelled.

“That’s illegal, Shane!” Ryan screeched, although no one heard him.

Without Ryan noticing, Ben had took a step to the right, now having full acces to returning Shane’s punch. When a fist started moving dangerously fast towards Ryan’s face, he froze. But just in time, Shane pushed him out of the way. Shane took the harsh punch to his gut. Doubling over, he clutched his stomach and started coughing.

“Piece…of shit!” Shane said between coughs.

Before this could get even more out of hand, more people finally arrived at the office and heard the commotion. Some colleagues ran towards the scene. They tried to calm Ben and drag him away from Shane.

Ryan quickly attended Shane, helping him stand up straight. Even though Shane’s eyes were fiery and full of rage, Ryan could still tell he was incredibly tired.

“Fuck you!” Ben screamed, while he was held back by colleagues. Blood dripped out of his nose and onto the carpet. “You’re making working here terrible for _everyone_ with your constant fighting!”

“You should have thought about that before talking shit about my girlfriend!” Shane yelled, coughing immediately as he spoke the last word. Ryan clung to Shane, helping him stay upright.

Sara entered the office building, totally shocked by what she was seeing. Instantly she rushed over to her boyfriend.

“Are you okay?” Ryan and Sara both asked Shane when Ben was out of sight.

Shane ignored them both, walking right past them with an angry stride and balled fists. Never even acknowledging Ryan.

  
\- - - 3rd of July 2019 - 04:12 PM - - -

It was almost the end of the work day and Ryan was still thinking about the fight Shane had in the morning. Ryan was terrified of the possibility of Shane getting fired because of this. But so far Shane had not been called for a talk with their employer.

Ryan was feeling more anxious than ever today, he was not sure why. He wished that it was not because of a panic attack. He tried his best to focus on the positive, he told himself to stay strong for Shane. Even though Shane was not being too kind at the moment.

And apparently Shane had not been done arguing for the day. Ryan kept hearing Shane and Sara argue about something, which did not help his anxiety. Maybe they were arguing about the fight from this morning, or maybe something totally different. He could not really make out what they were saying. Whatever it was about, it was weird hearing them exchange heated words. They never argued, at least not at the office.

It bugged Ryan in an unsettling way that Shane seemed to fight with almost everyone he got the change with these days. The smallest thing set him off. Ryan wanted desperately to talk with Shane about this. But again, Shane made it more than clear this morning he still had no interest in talking with Ryan.

Ryan did his best to not look over at them, he did not want to be nosy. The other people at the office did not really seem to care though. Many heads were turned towards Shane and Sara. He did his best to distract himself with work, typing away behind his desk. Although, he soon noticed it was almost impossible to focus with the fighting still going on.

A high pitched shriek combined with gasps made Ryan almost scream himself. He jumped up from his chair, looking over at Shane’s desk. Just barely, Ryan caught a glimpse of Shane falling to the ground, taking a stack of books and papers with him as he fell.

Ryan immediately sprinted over to them. Sara had already fallen to her knees and had placed Shane’s head in her lap. As Ryan approached Shane he mentally cursed when he saw what he had been afraid to see. Shane had fainted.

“What the fuck happened?” Ryan asked, kneeling down beside Shane and Sara.

“I don’t know we were just talking and then his eyes rolled back and h-he just collapsed!” _talking?_ “Shane, baby, can you hear me?” Sara said, placing her hands on his cheeks.

“Did he hit his head on the way down?”

“I don’t think so.”

Ryan grabbed Shane’s hand and searched for a pulse, which he found quickly.

“Shane? Shane, wake up.” Ryan tried, hoping his friend would just open his eyes.

“He isn’t waking up…” Sara said.

Only then Ryan realised almost all of their colleagues had collected around them, watching the scene in suspense. Ryan looked around and said:

“Please, someone call 911!”  
  


\- - - 3rd of July 2019 - 04:28 PM - - -

It only took the paramedics about five minutes to reach the office.

By then Ryan and Sara had kept an eye on Shane’s breathing, tried spraying water on him, fanned him because he was still sweating and felt hot to the touch.

By then Ryan and Sara had tried every single thing they could think of to wake Shane up, but nothing seemed to work. They noticed Shane was still sweating and felt hot to the touch.

When three paramedic bursted through the entrance doors one of them immediately called out.

“Everyone clear out, please. We need some space!”

“For how long has he been unconscious?” Another one asked, as they all kneeled down next to Shane.

“About ten minutes.” Ryan answered. He and Sara stood up and gave the paramedics some room. The people around them started leaving, which Ryan was glad for.

“Take it easy.” One of the paramedics suddenly said, grabbing Ryan’s attention. Ryan took a few steps to the side, to see Shane had woken up. Shane’s face radiated a dull and confused expression.

“What’s going on?” Shane questioned, while scratching his head.

The totally oblivious question from Shane made Ryan chuckle a little out of relief. He was glad his friend had woken up, but still worried about why Shane had fainted in the first place. Shane sat up slightly, leaning back on his elbows.

“You passed out, sir. How are you feeling now?” A paramedic asked.

Ryan watched as Shane’s eyes unfocused and almost wanted to roll back into his head again. Shane fell back down.

“Oof.” Shane exhaled, digging his nails into the carpet. He shook his head to get rid of the dizzying feeling.

“Just try and stay still, sir. Do you know why you passed out?” The same paramedic asked.

“No, not really. I just suddenly felt weak and tired.”

“Okay, well let’s try to get you seated in a chair, when you’re ready of course.”

Shane nodded, covering his eyes with his hands. He waited for the dizzying feeling to pass. Shane’s thumb slightly touched his forehead, making him realise he was still feverish. Unsuspiciously, he tried to rub away the sweat.

A few minutes passed. Ryan watched from a distance as two of the paramedics helped Shane stand up, supporting him steadily. As soon as he stood, they pushed a chair under him so he could sit.

“Did Shane experience any health problems the past months?” A paramedic, who introduced himself as Andrew, asked Sara. Ryan stood next to them.

“He was in an accident two months ago.” She answered.

“What kind of accident?” Andrew asked.

“He was shot in the hip and shoulder, broke a rib and had to undergo a hip surgery.” She looked over at her boyfriend, who had now comfortably perched on his chair. It all was still so unreal. The past few months felt like one big nightmare.

One paramedic was standing behind Shane. The other was still kneeling in front of him, asking him questions. They had placed a blanket around his shoulders, since Shane was shivering. Shane had an unaware look in his eyes. Some strands of his hair were sticking up, his shaking hands were grasping a glass of water. He looked so vulnerable, almost like a little boy who lost his parents in a shopping mall. When he caught Sara staring, he smiled a little. It was just his mouth that smiled, not his eyes. Shane had always been someone who portrayed happiness with his eyes. Lately, Sara had not seen that expression on him. The smile that lit up his entire face. Sara smiled back at him, feeling so guilty for having yelled at him today. She realised that this could no longer go on like this.

She noticed Ryan had left her side and had gone to talk to Shane.

“Hey, how are you feeling buddy?” Ryan asked, placing his hand on Shane’s shoulder.

“I’m fine.” He fumbled with the now empty glass in his hands, looking at that instead of Ryan’s eyes.

“Please, leave me alone…” Shane said softly after a while.

Ryan noticed his hand was trembling when he moved it away from Shane’s shoulder.

“Yeah, sure… Whatever you want. But remember that you can always talk to me, Shane.” Ryan answered, his heart stinging with sadness and frustration. _Why is Shane doing this to me? To us?_ Ryan grabbed the wrist of his trembling hand, trying to get the shaking to stop.

Shane bit his lip as a feeling of guilt taunted him. He felt his cheeks flush, embarrassed about how was he treated Ryan, about how he treated everyone. This was what his life had become. Insult your friend, girlfriend and colleagues, beat yourself up over it and repeat. Shane did not know how to get out of this. He wanted so badly to just hang out with Ryan again, but he just couldn’t. It hurt too much. But did it hurt as much as cutting his best friend out of his life? Shane could not help but ask himself: _Who even am I anymore?_

And still he somehow convinced himself he did not need help.

Ryan turned around to walk away when he heard Andrew start talking to Shane.

“Sir, I’m afraid this wound is badly infected and needs immediate medical treatment.”

“Nah, it’s fine.” Shane answered, once again denying everything.

“Trust me, you do not want to leave this untreated any longer. Follow us to the ambulance, we’re bringing you to the hospital."

Ryan turned around to take a look at what they were talking about, Sara joining him. A gasp came from Sara’s throat as she covered her mouth. That was truly an underwhelming reaction to what they were seeing. Shane’s shoulder was exposed, a paramedic had removed the bandage to take a look at the gun shot wound. The skin around the wound on Shane’s shoulder was a bright and flaming red color, the area around the wound was swollen pretty badly. And that was not all, green coloured pus came out of the wound. It looked extremely painful and suddenly Ryan realised why Shane had passed out. Plus, why he had seemed feverish and weak lately.

Andrew grabbed Shane by his upper arm to help him stand up, but Shane brushed his hand away, giving Andrew an angry look.

“Sir, you really have to come with us. You need medical help.”

Once again, Andrew took Shane by the arm. Shane stood up and immediately walked backwards, almost knocking over the chair, to break free from Andrew’s grasp.

“Let me go!” He yelled insecurely, tears in his eyes.

Ryan watched the scene unfold in front of him. He desperately wanted to talk to Shane, but knew Shane would just brush him off. Sara did step up.

“What’s wrong? Please, go with them.” Sara said, taking a step towards him.

“No! Nothing’s wrong with me.” Shane took a step back.

“You can’t possibly believe that!” She took another step.

“I don’t need anyone’s help.” Shane stated as if it were a fact.

“Shane, please go with them for me…? Me and Ryan, we will be right behind you.” She said softly, looking up at him.

Shane looked at her for a moment, memories of them being happy flashed by his eyes. As the memories replaced with tears, he quickly wiped them away. Readjusting the blanket around his shoulders, he sighed.

“Okay.”

\- - - 3rd of July 2019 - 05:06 PM - - -

Sara quietly sat in the passenger seat, next to Ryan as he drove. While looking out of the window she thought about the past few weeks. They had been stressful to say the least. With Shane behaving weird, and her not being able to put her finger on exactly why. It was beyond frustrating. A part of her had never wanted to admit there was something wrong with Shane, he just needed to heal. But she now realised that had been selfish of her. He desperately needed help and she now saw that.

Ryan’s mind was also occupied with Shane. They had went from best friends to whatever they were now, Ryan was not exactly sure. As far as he was concerned, they would still be best friends, but Shane seemed to disagree. Although Ryan still could not fully believe this is what Shane wanted. There was something else going on, Shane hiding an infected wound from him and Sara also confirmed this. Something had to happen. Shane needed help, and quickly.

But before Ryan could talk to Sara about it she spoke up.

“Can I ask you something?”

Ryan hummed in response.

“What’s going on between you and Shane? I don’t see you guys talk much anymore.”

Ryan turned his gaze from the road to Sara. He looked at her in disbelief. _Shane has not told her?_

“He asked me to leave him alone.”

“He did…? Why?” She said, sounding panicky “Shane needs you.”

Relief washed over Ryan when he heard someone else instead of himself say that.

“Shane told me I reminded him of the night at River State Hospital. That’s why he decided he didn’t want to see me anymore, so he would not be reminded. He truly thought this would be best for him.”

Sara was quiet for a moment. Ryan thought he heard some muffled sobs beside him. He reached over and gently squeezed her shoulder.

Hearing this hurt Sara the most. It hurt more than finding out about the infected wound Shane had been trying to hide, and more than all the times Shane had snarled at her. Ryan and Shane were best friends. Shane pushing his best friend away meant he was hurting more than Sara could ever imagine.

“Holy shit, Ryan… It’s even worse than I thought. I don’t know what to do… Why did we wait so long? Clemens even warned us this would happen. I guess we did not want to believe it.” She took a deep breath. “I had no idea why he let that wound go infected, why he did not want to clean it. Now I do. He hates to be reminded. It must be some kind of trauma that is causing this behaviour in him. Which is logical, I mean, look at what happened to him! I’m such an asshole!”

Ryan ran his hand over his face, reality dawning in on him too. Tears filled his eyes when the realisation kicked in how much they failed Shane. All the times Shane had spoken badly to them, to anyone, it had been a cry for help. And all those times Shane had gone off alone during the lunch breaks, did not want to go out with Ryan and when he tried to hide his panic attacks for them. Shane had given off all the signs doctor Clemens had warned them about. _And I have been completely ignoring them._

“Are you okay?” Ryan suddenly felt the teardrops on his cheeks, his hands trembling around the steering wheel.

“We need to help him, we owe that to him.” _Look at all the times he helped me, stayed strong for me. The countless times Shane kept his cool so I would not pass out from fear in haunted locations. He guided me through those. Now I have to guide him through this. And so far I have been doing a pretty shitty job. Shane is not himself right now, so I have to look past all the anger and sadness he portrays and have to stay strong for him like he always did for us. We want the old Shane back, and I’m pretty sure Shane himself wants that too._

“I guess I’ll arrange a psychiatrist for him.” Sara said.

“And how do you think you’re going to get him to go? He has not really been open to receiving help.”

Sara was quiet for a moment.

“I guess I’ll try and talk to him tomorrow… Maybe you can help?”

“I really want to, but I’m not sure if that is a good idea… Shane really doesn’t want anything to do with me right now. I’m afraid it would only cause more stress and resistance if I was there.” Ryan wished the shaking of his hands would just stop already.

Sara nodded and swallowed thickly before replying.

“Okay, you’re probably right. I’ll talk to him…”

The thought that Sara would have to ask shane tomorrow to go see a psychiatrist, made nerves rush through Ryan. He felt terrible for letting her do it alone, but he truly believed that him being there would only cause Shane to resist the offer sooner. Ryan did not have a lot of hope for a positive outcome of this idea either way. Shane would most likely reject. But they had pretty much gotten to the point where they should not give Shane a say in the decision, how terrible that was. His friends mind was slipping, to a dangerous place and they had to stop it before it was too late.

“How are you going to ask him tomorrow?” Ryan asked Sara.

She rested her head against the window.

“I don’t know yet… “

\- - - 3rd of July 2019 - 05:39 PM - - -

“Can I ask you why you let it get this far?”

“I’m not sure, Maggie…”

Shane sat on the edge of the bed shirtless, while Maggie stood in front of him tending the infected shoulder wound. It made him feel like he had time traveled back. a few weeks. When nurse Maggie had spotted Shane in the waiting room, she immediately assigned Shane to herself. She gave Shane some painkillers to ease the pain from the infection. The constant sickening pain Shane had felt was slowly turning into more of a buzzing pain, decreasing by the minute. Finally being pain-free felt hypnotising to Shane.

They had not really spoken at all. Ryan and Sara were still in the waiting room, so it was just Shane and Maggie. After Maggie had completely cleaned the wound she finally started talking.

“I thought I told you I did not want to see you back here?”

Shane softly smiled looking down at his feet.

“This could have ended way worse, Shane. I’m amazed you lasted this long. It has been a long time since I’ve seen such a bad infection.”

Shane stayed quiet.

Maggie took a clean gauze. “So tell me…”

“Yes?” Shane said when she did not say anything for a little while.

“Have you ever looked at your wounds and scars?”

Shane’s eyes shot up to look at Maggie.

“That’s a no?” Maggie finished bandaging Shane’s shoulder, and sat down on the bed next to him. “Shane, you really do not have to be ashamed of this. A lot of people that experienced something traumatic do this. They are too afraid to look at their wounds, or face anything that reminds them of the traumatic event. And I understand this, really. But facing these anxieties is also a necessary step to heal.”

Shane rubbed his hands together, while his mind searched for a way to get out of this situation.

“Of course I’ve looked at them…” Shane softly lied, just like he always seemed to do lately.

Maggie got up from the bed and stood right before Shane.

“Then it really won’t be a problem to look at them today, right?”  
  


\- - - 3rd of July 2019 - 05:39 PM - - -

Ryan recognised the quick footsteps approaching him. Sara sat down next to him in a swift movement.  
“Doctor Clemens will arrange a psychiatrist for Shane.” Sara said, sounding relieved and defeated at the same time.

“That’s great.” Ryan replied, watching as she rubbed her palms on her thighs. He could tell she was tense and Ryan could already guess why, because he as well was worrying about this. The next sentence she spoke confirmed his prediction.

“I’m so afraid of how he’ll react when he finds out we talked to doctor Clemens about this. It feels so wrong arranging all of this behind his back…”

“I know it does, but we’re doing this to help. Which Shane probably won’t really realise until later on.” Ryan shifted in his seat. “But we have to remember that we are doing this to help him.” He repeated, as if somehow already looking for Shane’s forgiveness.

Ryan’s hand was trembling again. He pressed his hand onto his leg with the other to still it.

A familiar voice spoke up.

“Sara? Could you join me for a while?”

“Yes, of course.” Sara replied. She was surprised and was curious as to why only she was called and not Ryan.

“What about Ryan…?” She asked pointing towards her friend. Ryan almost wanted to scoot forward in his chair, figuring Maggie meant him to join as well. But then he remembered Shane’s resistant behaviour towards him.

“It’s okay, Sara.” Ryan said, before Maggie could respond. He smiled at the both of them.

Sara nodded at Ryan before following Maggie down the hall.

“So what’s going on?” Sara asked, matching Maggie’s firm pace.

“I’m afraid Shane is having trouble dealing with what happened to him on the day of the accident.” Maggie said. “Is he seeing a psychiatrist?”

“Not yet. I just had a conversation with doctor Clemens about that. There’s a psychiatrist available for him starting next week.”

“Okay, that’s good.” Maggie stopped walking to face Sara. “I can tell from the wound that this has been going on for some while…”

“I- I…” Sara stuttered, Maggie smiled at her reassuringly “I started noticing weird behaviour about… two weeks ago. When he first got out of the hospital, he seemed fine! Then after like a week he started to become quiet, distant… And the anger… He gets angry so easily. Which is nothing like Shane, at all! He was always so easy going and calm, but now… he’s just nothing like himself anymore. I just thought he needed some time to heal, get used to his normal life again. But it just keeps getting worse, and I’m afraid if we don’t help him it will only continue to get worse.”

“I know how hard it can be to face the fact that a loved one needs mental help, especially when the loved one doesn’t want to face it themselves. I want you to understand that this is a good thing you’re doing, and necessary. No matter how Shane reacts when you tell him, you have to go through with this. You guys are moving into the right direction.” Maggie gently squeezed Sara’s shoulder.

“Thank you.” Sara said.

“Now, let’s go see him. I want you to talk to him.” Maggie finished.

\- - - 3rd of July 2019 - 05:44 PM - - -

Shane sat slumped down on a chair. His arm rested carefully on his stomach, trying not to hurt the shoulder wound by stretching of the skin.

Sara sat on a chair opposite of Shane. The door clicked shut as Maggie exited the room, leaving Sara and Shane alone.

Sara could tell that Shane felt vulnerable and that he desperately wanted to get out of here. It was an awkward situation and Sara was not sure how to feel about it. Forcing Shane to do something he did not want to felt wrong.

“Have you seen the sky?” Sara asked, trying to get her boyfriend’s mind away from the spiralling, negative thoughts. She watched him as he turned his head to look outside. The sun was bright, making him squint his eyes a little.

“It’s pretty.”

Sara smiled at his answer. She scooted her chair towards Shane and took his hand. Shane’s eyes made contact with hers.She brought his hand up to her lips and kissed the skin gently.

“I love you, Shane.” She whispered.

“Sara, what are you doing?” He asked, pulling his hand away from her lips.

She looked at him with hurt in her eyes.

“I want you to feel better-“

Shane stood up from his chair, leaving his back turned towards Sara.

“No, this is bullshit! I know why you’re here. I don’t need this!”

Sara also stood up from her chair, quickly wrapping her arms around his waist.

“I hate being here again and I’m not crazy… I am not crazy!” He repeated, bursting into tears. Sara turned Shane around, engulfing him in a hug. She just held him as he sobbed. Never had she heard him cry like this, it broke her heart. She could only imagine how he felt inside.

She pulled back when his crying lessened a little.

“Please Shane, can you do this?”

Shane stayed quiet. Sara was just about to give up on the hope of getting an answer when he spoke up.

“I can try…”

“Thank you. You no longer have to do this on your own… and I’m sorry I made you feel this way.”

“No-“ He swallowed his words in his haste. “Don’t ever, ever blame yourself for my behaviour! This is on me! Not you, or Ryan.”

Sara looked at his glossy eyes and tear stained cheeks. It felt almost surreal hearing Shane talk from the heart again. He rarely did so anymore these days and why seemed to become more and more clear as each day passed on.

“I don’t know what’s going on with me!” He pulled at his hair. “But I can fix it! And if it takes doing this then I will! Just please stop worrying about me, I will be fine in time!”

Nerves ran through Sara’s body as she remembered what she had arranged with doctor Clemens.

“Shane, I see you slipping every single day… You’re not getting better… You’re only getting worse.” Sara said, a sadness overtaking her more with each word she spoke. She kind of regretted what she said when she saw Shane grow sadder as well.

He closed his eyes in frustration. Not in angry frustration though, but a helpless one.

“I just don’t want to think about it anymore… I want it to be over.” Shane whispered, voice so small Sara could barely make out what he was saying. She took his hand, the one on the side without the hurt shoulder, and placed it gently on his hip.

Shane suck in a breath as he realised what she was doing.

“The path to that outcome starts by doing this.” Sara said.

Through the fabric of his shirt he felt the uneven bumps on his skin that formed a big scar. He shut his eyes even more tightly because of an anxious feeling entering his throat before spreading to his chest. His face scrunched up. Tears prickled behind his eyelids, as he for a second felt the physical pain he felt at the River State hospital. If he could switch that pain with the mental pain he had been experiencing the past couple weeks he would.

His fingers trembled over the scar making him realise that it felt a little numb and paralysed. With his index finger he traced it. Having Sara’s hand on top of his hand kept him together, he was grateful for that.

Why was this so difficult for him? Why did the accident leave such a big mark on him? Other people had experienced way worse, right? And they were okay. So, why could he not be okay? All he could do was let the accident take a hold on him, and his life. His mind was constantly being occupied with fear and anxiety, it made him frustrated. He did not know how to deal with all of these feelings. Shane had never been a very anxious person. He was always able to let himself look on the bright side of things, to not let bad thoughts take control. Why was he failing these tactics now?

Even though Shane had still not looked at the scars, just feeling them was overwhelming enough for him and Sara understood that. It was the first time he actually touched them and it freaked him out. Feeling that they were real. That what happened to him, really happened to him. Which may sound weird, but when something so terrifying happens to you, you don’t want to believe it and it just feels surreal.

It made unwanted memories from the night flood into his mind. Shane did not remember much of it, except him crashing through the floor, the floorboards creaking and tearing under him. He remembered the sound of the gun firing exactly three times. After that it is all a big blur, all he remembers from that is the pain he felt. Blackness, redness and pain. He faintly remembered Ryan dragging him somewhere safe. _Oh god, Ryan… I’m so sorry…_ His best friend saved him and what was he doing in return? Fighting with him and pushing him away. He wanted to do better, so badly. And each day he really promised himself he would. But then whenever he would look Ryan in the eyes again, all the fear and pain he had felt came rushing back to him and it just made him feel so helpless and frustrated.

The thing he hated the most was to be reminded. It happened whenever he heard people talk about him behind his back, when seeing Ryan, when he heard loud noises and of course every other second of the day when his mind was kind enough to remind him about all of it. The emotions those memories made him feel were so overwhelming that he did not know what to do with them. Maybe Ryan had been right all that time, he was emotionless and whenever he did feel something he did not know what to do with it. Was that what was happening? He did not know. But he could no longer lie to himself or to others, he needed help. That was just incredibly difficult to admit.

Suddenly he saw flashes of red, he quickly shut his eyes tightly. The one time he had carefully allowed himself to think about the accident without fighting back, and he immediately gets punished. He knew he was unable to stop the downward spiral now. It felt like stopping a waterfall. At first the waterfall is not that big, it is manageable. Two hands are enough to stop the water. But then it expands and expands. Shane did not have enough hands to stop the waterfall as the water kept streaming past his hands and suddenly the water turned red and Shane fell to his knees.

Shane heard someone scream from far away. His eyes flew open. He felt darkness roll over him when he saw where he was. It was pitch black in the room. He was so tired, and he just wished for this to be over. A hand harshly tugged him off balance, resulting in him falling to the ground. He did not let out a sound.

He rolled onto his back staring into nothingness, waiting for it to end. Just like the last time, iron smelling blood collected under him. It started washing over his body, soaking his clothes and making panic rise above. He was too worn out to fight it all.

The blood slowly started choking him as it now entered his mouth. The panic worsened and he could not help but react to it. He tried to spit out the blood, but there was just too much. He gave up again and let the numbing feeling overtake him. He shifted his gaze to the right of him, searching for the figure that would be approaching him so it could not catch him off guard.

And there it was. With slow but loud steps it walked towards Shane. It stopped walking when it was one step away from Shane. The room was too dark to make out a face, but Shane could tell the figure’s gaze was turned towards him.

Shane kept choking on the blood, but he was not running out of air, while at the same time he was. It felt like a never ending nightmare. Shane’s eyes widened when the figure grabbed something out of its pocket. The figure readjusted the object in its hands, only then Shane realised what it was holding.

The figure aimed the object at Shane’s chest. Shane tried to scream, beg it to please not shoot, but the blood was stopping him. The gun the figure was holding was pointing inhumanly still at Shane. Shane tried to scream once more but nothing but blood came out of his throat. The finger of the figure moved just an inch and the gun fired.

Shane felt the bullet rip right through him as his eyes rolled back, but somehow he stayed awake. He could not hear anything else but a loud, shrill ringing in his ears, and his vision was partly gone because of blackness at the edges. The bullet felt warm and electrifying. His eyes traveled to the wound on his chest.

Shane cupped the wound with his hands, trying to put pressure on it. His mouth opened in pain as some of the blood finally seemed to leave his throat. He coughed and stared at the blood pouring out of him. Then Shane looked up at the figure again. His eyes felt heavy but they would not close.

The stranger rose the the gun up to Shane’s face Shane made the effort to scream again, finally some sound came out but it sounded pathetic.

As the scream left his throat the pain did as well. Tears prickled behind Shane’s eye lids, it burns his eyes painfully. the feeling of two familiar and firm arms around him makes him realize he’s back. Two hands gently rubbed up and down his arms. A cheek pressed against his head. Sara and Shane both sat on the ground, he was trembling and shaking as he laid against her. He grasped at her arms, holding tightly on to them as he tried to forget the awful blackout he just experienced. He guessed Sara was totally oblivious to what just happened to him inside his mind.

He wanted to tell her about the blackouts, but he just couldn’t. His own mind was stopping him.

He just sobbed as he laid in Sara’s arms.

No way he was talking about what happened to them that night at River State Hospital. Ever.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! :) Hope you enjoyed it.  
> I will try to get a new chapter up soon!


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